Darth Vader

"Now where the fuck is my "act evil" button?"

- Darth Vader

Darth Vader born James Darth Vader Palpatine and nicknamed Lord Goth was actually much cooler than his wimpy counter-part, Anakin Skywalker, this was mainly because he liked blowing up stuff, especially planets (plus he was voiced by James Earl Jones). Nobody liked Anakin, anyway. No, seriously, no one. Even Padme left him for Obi-Wan Kenobi she was so desperate to get away from him. Just ask Olivia Kenobi if you don't believe me.

Anyway, Darth Vader was born on Tatooine to (surprise, surprise!) Diane Vader and (WTF???) everyone's favorite Emperor/Chancellor: Palpatine! Yes, that's why they both hated each other. But there were good times, like the time when Palpatine threw Vader against the wall when he...you know, maybe that's not such a good example.

Vader spent his early years with his mama Diane on a Death Star. At 14, Vader got jealous of Darth Malak's jaw thingy, so he dumped Hot oatmeal all over his body, which got himself a whole life-sustaining suit. Amazingly, he would later regret this, as it forced him to leave his mom and become his dad Palpatine's chief homie, which we're sure, must have been pure agony. As an apprentice, he had an encounter with A'Sharad Hett, Vader used a Yo Mama insult that forced young Hett to go into hiding, change his name, and turn to the Dark Side, which just goes to show you that there are worse things than having your planet destroyed and being Palpatine's apprentice.

Vader chopped Obi-Wan Kenobi in half while Kenobi searched the box on Vader's chest, trying to find "Reset."

Believe it or not, Vader and Anakin are not the same person! The mass media just made the connection because Vader wears leather and Anakin...well, funny you should mention him...

Birth
Darth Vader was born James Darth Vader Palpatine to parents Diane and Palpatine on the planet Tatooine. They had to move there because someone (meaning Palpatine, Diane wasn't stupid enough to do something like this) forgot to pay off their student loans for college. That college being Darthvard, the most expensive college in the whole damn galaxy, Palpatine would have to pay 20,000 credits or terrible things would happen to him. Now we know why Palpatine changed his name so many times.

So the family was on the run. Three years on Tatooine Diane gave birth to Darth Vader. Well, she gave birth to James Vader (it's on the birth certificate), but Palpatine liked Darth because it was the nickname of the bass string guitar player of his favorite band. This really ticked Diane off, so she underwent some agressive negotiations with her husband until he agreed to name him James. Thus James Darth Vader Palpatine was born.

"Did anyone ever tell you you're a jerk?"

- Diane Vader to Palpatine when she saw him getting it on with his apprentice Darth Maul

But it was all to good to last. Diane found out that Palpatine was two-timing her with that horny Iridonian whack job with ADD named Darth Maul. After torturing her husband for most of the day, Diane got bored and kindly divorced him. Then, taking a Death Star and young Darth, she flew off far away from Palpatine. Henceforth, James Darth Vader Palpatine officially became James Darth Vader after the separation. Diane called him Darth though, not because she wanted to honor her husband, but that bass string player was totally awesome!

With Diane
Diane then proceeded to raise her son as the man known to the world. Of course, this was extremely difficult since Darth Vader was a lazy, whiny douchebag. A lot of the time he would sit in his room and whine, or write letters to his hero, Darth Emo (you should've seen all the posters Vader had of that guy in his room!). He almost never took out the garbage and never folded his long sleeved shirts with the front-back fold the way his mother told him to. Darth Vader is also responsible for nearly destroying Diane's Death Star when he attempted to make chocolate souffle. On this occaision, Diane wondered whether Shmi Skywalker had it easy after all.

But Vader also had some good points to him. He was a good Sith, although not nearly as good as his mama. He got so good at lightsaber combat that even Palpatine shuddered when his name was mentioned (or maybe he was just looking in the mirror at the time). Of course, he never, not once beat his mother in all the duels they had. Vader never told anyone this because, you know, most Dark Lords of the Sith don't get beaten by their mothers at lightsaber combat. I'm sorry Palpatine, but they don't....

When Darth Vader was good (very rarely), Diane took him on planet destroying sprees, where they would destroy planets, inhabited or not. She always smacked his hand away when he tried to push the shiny red button that doomed millions of people. Because of this, Vader developed a fetish for destroying planets that would last throughout his entire life. And when he was an adult he actually got to press the button!!!

The "Oatmeal Incident"
When Vader was 14, his mother sent him to prepare oatmeal on the stove. Obviously, she fireproofed the whole Death Star after he burned the souffle, so there really wasn't anything to worry about. Or was there?

Everything went well until Vader, bless his little helmet, read a magazine article about how this loser Sith Darth Malak now has a metal jaw that made him almost cool. This made Vader so jealous that he immediately grabbed the pot of oatmeal and dumped it all over himself, thinking about how cool it would be to get this suit. Of course, much of the coolness factor vanished when he started screaming in pain, but he was rescued eventually.

There was a slight problem: Diane didn't have enough money to buy a life-sustaining suit, which was very expensive, she knew. On the other hand, her ex Palpatine was loaded after becoming Emperor of the galaxy, so she phoned him up and asked him what he could do.

Meanwhile, at Palpatine's place the dishes were unwashed, there were roaches everywhere, and his underwear was all over the apartment. Not to mention that awful smell that...umm, let's not get into that. Anyway, the place needed some serious cleanage, but Palpy was too lazy to. But he could force his son to do it. So he agreed to pay for the suit and yada, yada, yada, Palpatine got a new apprentice: his son, Darth Vader.

Apprenticeship
Diane dragged her son to Palpatine's office on Coruscant, where Vader obviously was accepted as an apprentice, because no one in there right mind would clean Palpatine's apartment, especially his toilet (the horror!). To keep Vader happy, he gave him his own Death Star and crew to destroy planets with, but that was really just show.

About 6 months later, the Rebel scum, a bunch of pubescant geeks with anger management issues, started posting flyers on trees against the Galactic Empire. Palpatine asked them nicely to stop, he even gave them some of his best stormtroopers for target practice, but they still held firm. Palpatine, very much annoyed at this time, sent Vader out to destroy the Rebel Alliance and melt their outdated X-wing fighters into a Death Star shopping mall. Obeying his master's orders, Vader devised many strategies to bring down the Rebel scum.

Trying to find the rebels
"Lord Vader! Are you here to save me? Wait.... why do you look like a Rebel?"

- A stupid Stormtrooper



Searching the Galaxy in an attempt to find and kill all rebels, Vader eventually came up with his famous "disguise yourself as a Rebel" method. You've probably already guessed what that means, but I'm going to explain it anyway.

One day Darth Vader disguised himself as a Rebel named darth vader and tried to find their base, but he failed. He was able to convince a few Rebels he was one of them but a Stormtrooper, who was captured by the Rebels, recognized his boss and asked him if he was there to save him. When the Rebels realized that darth vader was actually Darth Vader they fled. Vader then killed the stormtrooper.

Vader's Death


Vader died to save Lukey, the whiny son of his whiny counterpart, from his own daddy, alias Darth Sideous the Hideous. You see, Darth Vader wasn't in the room at the time. He was actually taking a shower (how, I don't know), only to discover that Palpatine used up all the hot water. Jerk! After taking a very cold shower, Vader got upset and walked into the room to complain to Palpatine (aka Darth Sidious).

To his surprise, Darth S. was lightning Wormie and was saying cruel "Yo Mama" jokes at him. This made Luke cry. Vader really hadn't had much contact with Luke, but on one unforgettable occaision the king of the pubescant geeks gave him an Arby's coupon for a free meal. Of course, he shared it with a friend before they got back to the Death Star and...we really don't have to go into this. But Vader was able to feel some sympathy for Luke. Plus he had a mother who was H-O-T with a capital 'H'. Vader could still remember the time when the two...again, we really don't have to go into this. So Vader started getting angry because the Yo Mama jokes were just unfair! Couldn't Palpatine think of the time when he and Padme went to the Nabooboo Politician's Conventions together and they...gee, that girl gets around! Finally, he couldn't take it anymore. After a particularly bitchy line from Darth S., Vader took a huge electromagnet and said:

"You're dissing my wife, well, say 'Hello', to my little electromagnet friend."

- Vader

Unfortunately, he forgot he was mostly made of metal and while Darth Sidious was getting shocked by his own lightning, Vader was getting sucked into the magnet. Luke then turned off the magnet to see Darth Vader a mere cube of metal with a head on top. This made Luke cry.

Personality and traits
Vader had a penchant for blowing up planets and enjoyed long walks in the parks of Imperialized planets. He was attracted to shiny objects and liked to Force fondle women's rears from an observable distance while pining over that one chick that couldn't even handle a wimpy version of the Force Choke.

Notes and references
