Darth Plagueis



"Plagueis grew so powerful that he even prevented a book being written about him revealing his secrets."

- Enochf

Darth Plagueis was a skinny bad guy Dark Lord, who liked to play God, but was unsuccessful at acting. His alien species was some kind of things called Muuns, but who cares about them anyways, they were anorexic and losers (his true alien species was Gungan, as you will see). Darth Plagueis grew to be such a powerful Sith that he had destroyed at least 126 planets during his lifetime, he created the loser Anakin Skywalker out of some germs called midi-chlorians, which subsequently helped in creating the much cooler Darth Vader, he himself had a midi-chlorian count of 200,000,000,000, he could bend his body in many disturbing ways (including his famous Backbreak/Split Move), and he even stopped a book from being published that would have given all of his "well-guarded" secrets away to unsuspecting losers, possibly destroying them. That was the only kind act he ever did in his whole freakin' life. He lived during 1782 BBY through 2 BBY(or is it 2 ABY through 23947 BBY?). During one of his crazy parties where he got drunk (like he always did) and couldn't use his awesome Force powers, he was killed by his apprentice on accident (if indeed it was an "accident"), the much weaker but still awesome Palpatine, AKA Darth Sidious. Some shocking revelations were recorded in history about him from the biography he so "kindly" wrote (that few are priviliged enough to even glance at), which you are and will be reading about shortly.

The Birth, Life, and Death of a Skinny Dark Lord
"Dawth Pwagueis twied to covuh up lots of dose itty-bitty scandels in his life, which wed to his dwinking and downfall."

- Darth Plagueis himself, being interviewed by tabloid newspapers after his death.

Darth Plagueis was the twin of the mighty, yet horribly clumsy Darth Darth Binks, ruler of the Galactic Empire for a forever amount of years. He was born three seconds earlier than Binks on the planet Nabooboo, and his parents, Hortense and George Binks, loved him considerably better than what came out next. Binks was so terrible to have as a son that Darth Plagueis's Gungan parents performed the Gungan ritual act of suicide, also known as seppoodoo. Abandoned by his most loved ones in the whole fuckin' galaxy, Darth Plagueis turned to the Dark Side at the uncanny age of three seconds old. Even from that young, he knew what was going on better than even the future Sith Mega-Super-Overlord Binks. In this way, it was Plagueis (naming himself this Darth name even though he was only a couple seconds old) who abandoned the then Jar Jar Binks in the swamp, an act he would seriously regret doing later, as it led to a....well, you know.

When he reached the age of 20, Darth Plagueis had already done many "good" things. He had reformed the Senate of the Old Republic to not work at all, causing the rise of the Trade Federation much later and practically giving galactic control to his brother, he had helped to form the Society of Dyslexic Villains of the Universe (otherwise known as the SODVOTU), he had avenged his father and mother suicide deaths by killing all the rest of the Gungans on Nabooboo (he actually did this for no apparent reason except for that they didn't hold up to canon because they didn't talk like they did in those lying movies), and he had even gone so far as to creating the Supreme Chancellor job, giving one more job to one more person on the streets who knew nothing about government except that it made stuff called "laws". Also around this time period, Darth Plagueis got drastic plastic surgery done to his whole body, in order to make sure he didn't "look like one of dose stupeed Guungans no mow!" The plastic surgery was successful, but for the rest of his life Darth Plagueis had no idea that he had been transformed into a anorexic, loser Muun, although he always wondered (even after death) why he only weighed 2 pounds on the Scandalous Galactic Senate Scale. He also had his last name changed to Plagueis ("legally", although he had already named himself that) and eliminated all documents stating anything about his relation to Binks (although he left one important work behind, titled Darth Plagueis: My Story. It was coincidentally found by reporters who tried to make another book out of it, but Darth Plagueis's Force Ghost scared the crap out of them while they tried to take it out of his palace on Korriban, so they said, "The heck with this, lets go eat some McDonalds.")

When his brother's unprecedented rise to power occurred, and when the Great Binge and Purge happened, Darth Plagueis started drinking, a horrible habit that most of the other Sith Lords of the time had started doing because Binks beat them to the title of Sith-Mega-Super-Overlord. He wondered why he didn't strangle Binks when he turned to the Dark Side many years beforehand, but reminded himself "dat all da Sithies be doin' the leavin' of da one who shouda died, so dey can be figtin' it amongst demselwes when dey gwow betta at da lightsabuh combaat." In time, Darth Plagueis grew to love having hangovers every night after one of his sessions of drinking, so he started to have multiple parties every night before getting sick and going to the restroom. The only way he had kept himself alive during this period of his life is that he took steroids...I mean he performed the Force power Force Keep-Yourself-Alive to keep himself alive. When he was drunk one night at one of his parties, he took an apprentice named Darth Sidious, who was already a Sith Lord and so learned nothing that whole night except how to get drunk. In a stunt, where Darth Sidious (drunk, like everyone else there) urged his "master" to jump through the Ring-of-Fire on a motorcycle, Darth Plagueis caught flames and died. Darth Plagueis was 2500 years old when he died, ending his long career of creating underage alcoholics, which he was very successful at (which is true if you look at how many underage drinkers there are in the galaxy). He was lucky enough to become a Force Ghost after he died, and he continually came back to haunt Sidious and tell him, "Have anudder shot o' dat champaigne!"

Powuhs
"I be havin' da best Forcie powuhs in da whole gawaxy! Fow eenstance, meesa can conjoore da best wheesky in da gawaxy out of nowhere!"

- Darth Plagueis, rambling after too much whisky.

Darth Plagueis had many Force abilities, including the power to make any type of drink appear out of thin air (called Force Indulge-Yourself), the ability to mold himself into weird shapes for amusement (called Force Shape-Yourself), the ability to destroy planets with his mind (not like that Darth Vader who needs a 567 mile long frickin' Death Star!!!. This ability is also called Force Awesome-Mega-Destruction-Of-Planets), the power to bend in very strange and awkward directions (Force Flexible), the ability to shoot red lightning out of his penis (called Force Penis-Lightning), and even the ability to take a couple of unimportant midi-chlorians and form them into a loser who will one day destroy planets (called Force Build-a-Loser-Yourself-Who-Will-Someday-Destroy-Planets).

One of the only Force powers Plagueis couldn't use was foresight, or Force See-The-Future-And-Try-Not-To-Go-Crazy, a serious error in his self-training he carried out over 20 years.

Darth Plagueis's lightsaber was a red, blue, green, white, grey, purple, violet, rainbow, blue-green, red-pink, pink, magenta, periwinkle colored lightsaber (with possibly even more colors that the human spectrum cannot penetrate because of their awesomeness) with three blades, a then-unique-but-not-anymore triple-bladed lightsaber.

The Awesome Ascension to Craziness and So to Force Ghost AWESOMENESS
Because of the death of his beloved parents, Darth Plagueis kind of had a "slight" psychological meltdown at the age of 3 seconds old, saying to himself in this state that he would drag the galaxy down with him into the pit of darkness so that some Darth person could come and claim it for his own to, in no way connected at all, avenge his parents (and other ramblings not even related to that.) His craziness didn't stop at his wild parties after 20 more years; in fact, it continued to grow larger until the night of his death 4480 years after his 20th birthday. On the night of his death, the Force got confused because his craziness had disappeared from its "sweet" embrace when he died and luckily brought him back as a Force Ghost. He hasn't done much since then except haunt his younger brother Binks, Sidious, and other "happy" souls who stumble upon his mansion. He has also done many interviews with tabloid newspapers who, after the articles they write about him are published, are haunted by him afterwards for no apparent reason except to give Plagueis another extracurricular activity (another thing he neglected in his self-training). Now why are you still reading? You think there's going to be more to this article (looks astonished)?! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!