Darth Maul

"Uncle Sid, is this the day? Do we reveal ourselves to the Jedi today? Will we have our revenge today, huh can we can we please uncle Sid?"

- Darth Maul, several times a day, every day

Darth Maul was one of the most fearsome Sith Lords of all time, or so you choose to believe. The truth is that Darth Maul was a total pussy unworthy to be called the "Dark Lord of the Sith." Yes I said it, Darth Maul, main antagonist of Episode I is a fraud, a total and complete fraud! A charlatan and a mountebank! No Sith be he, says I!

Why, you ask? How could someone with so much killer ink, someone so wickedly behorned, be a miserable failure? Scroll down and see for yourself, although it is a sad, sad story.

Early life
At a young age, Maul was found by a Senator called Frank, who took the young boy under his wing and started to instruct him in the ways of the Dark Side as well as using the little boy for well......let's just call it entertainment shall we? I mean, to each his own, right? Sure, having affection for young, red boys with horns on their head is weird but then again you probably jerk off to images in the Hot Twi'lek Girls Sourcebook and no one blames you for it! Hell the author of this very article has a thing for Devaronian females and they are furries! God damn furries, man! So put down the phone, because yes I know you were going to call this guy but you might not want to do that because of this and probably this. Surprised we found out? We know you fapped to it. Yes you did, yes you did. No point in denying it. We watch you. In fact, you are being watched this very minute...yes, we can see the surprise on your face. Yes, we see you turning your head. Oh, by the way, the answer is three; you are holding up three fingers. And no there is no Cabal.

Anyhow, let's continue shall we... When Maul was at a certain age, his uncle Sid decided it was time for him to learn various languages and, since Sid was a man of standing, the first foreign language young Maul was to learn was Latin, starting with the word: fellatio. Oh yes, Maul learned a lot about that.

Maul also was tasked with destroying Black Sun, which was an easy task since Black Sun didn't have Guri at the time, and a Black Sun without a Guri is pointless; that's why Sid wanted it gone in the first place. Good call Palpy.

First death
"Don't do it Obi-Wan, I have the high ground!"

- Darth Maul right before he got diced by a Padawan. A freaking Padawan. Oh come on!

Darth Maul was sent to Tatooine by his master to dispose of Jedi scum. After a long wait in the desert he confronted a hippie called Qui-Gon Jinn. This hippie who was high on reefer tried to reason with the Sith Lord. He told him that "war was not the answer man." When this backfired, the hippie jumped on a spaceship and vanished. Maul went back to his master to report his failure.......in Latin.

A second opportunity arose when the hippie landed on Naboo. Maul soon followed and engaged both Jedi in the most awesome duel we ever saw. There were jumps, blocks, force powers the works, there was even a Double-bladed lightsaber. Yes finally this movie wasn't a complete waste...with Jar Jar Binks and all those silly droids: a double fucking bladed lightsaber.

Anyhoo, Maul used his double-bladed lightsaber to gain the upper hand. He even killed that annoying hippie by violently stabbing him in the chest and for once in his life he was on the other side of penetration. Ewan McGregor responded by cutting Maul's double-bladed lightsaber in half since he was jealous of the weapon for stealing his on-screen thunder. Maul reacted by using the Force on the young Padawan named Obi-Wan Kenobi by pushing him in what seemed like a bottomless pit (not to be confused with a bottomless robe, which Maul wore only on special occasions).

Finally, he would have his revenge, he had the high ground, his opponent was unarmed and nothing stood in his way to utter victory... Well, nothing except a Padawan, who was unarmed, and didn't have the high ground and well....you know the rest, no sense in repeating it.

Second death


Apparently, Maul cheated death after his encounter with an unarmed Padawan and found himself with new legs. He stole the legs of a Bionicle action figure and started to search for Obi-Wan to execute his revenge, after sixteen years (sixteen years!) he finally found Obi-Wan on Tatooine which makes you wonder who his information broker was, I mean High General Obi-Wan "The negotiator" Kenobi, member of the Jedi Council, hero of the Clone Wars. It never took Durge or Asajj Ventress long to find him, but I digress. Maul charged to a local moisture farm where he was spotted by local moisture farmer Owen Lars, who leveled a rifle at him. Bionicle Maul cut the rifle in half when Obi-Wan appeared; they started to duel and Maul got shot, with a broken rifle, by a moisture farmer, who was injured. . I mean thats just sad...........

Third death
Some Dark Side cult resurrected Maul, who once died by the hand of a Padawan, who was unarmed, while having the high-ground, and then died again by getting shot, by a moisture farmer, who was injured. I just feel the need to emphasize this before we continue.

This cult had the opinion that Darth Maul, who once died by the hand of an unarmed Padawan, while having the high-ground, and then died again by getting shot, by a moisture farmer, who was injured, was the only suitable person to be Palatine's apprentice. Apparently, the Dark Side clouds common sense as well. They lured Darth Vader to an Unknown planet to battle with Maul. Darth Vader would have none of this and became all emo. Vader decided to cut himself in orderly emo tradition when Maul walked up behind him: Vader put his lightsaber to his own chest and ignited it, subsequently stabbing Maul too. Death by emo! I mean goddamn dude, die with some dignity for a change, will you!

Fourth death
"Hi, I'm Wormie, who are you? You're all floaty and stuff, you remind me of Ben."

- Luke Skywalker, encountering Darth Maul

Quite some time later, some Zabrak mad scientist found some way to preserve Maul's brain and keep it in a tank. This tank was linked to a computer and this computer was able to project a solid-form hologram of Maul, thus degrading him even more and putting him an the same category as a Star Trek medic. While visiting Iridonia, Wormie and Maul met. Maul attacked Wormie with rage, so Wormie just turned off the switch of the tank containing Maul's brain.

....I know...you're waiting for something funny to happen. Well, you can wait a long time. It isn't funny....it's just sad. I mean Wormie? Who gets killed by Wormie?

Fifth death
Since Maul's upper torso had been retrieved and grafted onto cybernetics with SUCH AMAZING success in the past, someone logically did the same for his lower torso and legs. This new Dark Lord of the Sith, Darth Maul's-Legs, met its end when a four-year-old child spilled his ice cream into Maul's-Legs's servomotors, causing a critical systems failure and causing an explosion in his cybernetic upper torso (which, we are certain, looked very threatening). Maul's-Legs's legs were burnt to ash in the ensuing conflagration.

Behind the scenes
"I wandered lonely as a cloud/That floats on high o'er vales and hills,/When all at once I saw a crowd,/A host, of golden daffodils./Beside the lake, beneath the trees,/Fluttering and dancing in the breeze."

- Darth Maul, linguist extraordinaire

Apart from being a deadly warrior, who died, by the hands of a padawan, who was unarmed, while Maul had the high ground, then died again, being shot, by a moisture farmer, who was injured, with a broken rifle, who then died again, by an emo, who was cutting himself, and then died yet again, by freaking Wormie... Maul was also fond of the arts. He wrote poetry, he posed for an artistic magazine which strangly had only one subscriber on Mandalore.