Mishtah Pants

"Are you proposing that I purchase a completely new Segway? Are you completely out of your mind? Well, maybe I'll settle those papers, when you get me my goddamn lawyer. No, I will not accept 25 concubines. 26, you say? Hmm. Alright, buster, you have a deal. But they had better all be foreign, or else my lawyer will be in his rights to stab you with his flubbage embued Inflatable Forklift. Yeah, that's right. Uhuh. You get me that damn role, Saxton. I want top billing. No less."

- Mishtah Pants' standard comm greeting

Mishtah Pants was a galaxy-renowned Jedi Bureaucrat, who famously slew Darth Vivisex at the Battle of the DVD Formats. Obsessed with finding Darth Shecks-Devihant, his quest was completed at Ryebread 7, where he decapitated the Dark Lord. Little did he know, that due to an error on his part, he had instead killed Darth Shecks-Deviant, a Sith Bum, who had merely been minding his own business.

Trained in the Bigamist Nebula by Jedi Mistress Servolomie Channing, Pants became a promising student. He averted a potential crisis on Judy-Car by sleeping with the wives of both of the opposing factions leaders. Instead of turning on each other, the two parties sent all their resources after Pants, and chased him to Hackysack 225, where he simply turned around and decapitated all of them with his dual-dual-dual phase lightsaber.

Pants was infinitely arrogant, and shockingly wealthy. He owned at least 5 Horses, which were considered a delicacy in the Bigamist Nebula, and he had a landspeeder that worked, which was practically unique. By the time of his retirement, he had killed exactly 1000 Sith Lords, and he hungered for combat once again, so he became a prize fighter/Tonight Show host. He died of syphilis on Bigamist 1, at the oldest age of anybody in the Nebula, 22.

Early life
"I'm telling you boy, you're going to share this bathwater!"

- Lowcut Pants

Pants was beaten daily by his father, Lowcut. This hardened Pants' resolve, turning into an exceptionally bitter and mean child. One day, however, Lowcut barred Pants from driving the Cadilac IOU Speeder he had been given by his aunt for his 18th birthday. Pants responded in kind by shoving a poker through Lowcut's neck. He fled his home on Bigamist 42, and settled on Bigamist 43.

After establishing a small winery on the planet, Pants was met by a shapely woman called Servolomie Channing. Wasting no time, he set out on a rampant affair with her, all the way from Bigamist 43 to 44. During this affair, Channing subconciously trained Pants in the ways of a Jedi. By his 21st birthday, Pants knew all there was to know about being a Jedi Bureaucrat.

The Hunt for Darth Shecks-Devihant
"He's over there."

- Jenkins McLeod

The Reformed Jedi Shovers accepted Pants into their fold, and officially gave him his rank. They tasked him with finding and destroying Darth Shecks-Devihant, a convicted felon, serial flasher, devious era-hopper, and Sith Lord. His first clue was a young Kushiban who had given birth to Shecks-Devihant's 25th apprentice, Darth Xerox. She claimed that every Sunday, Shecks-Devihant preached at Toco's Diner, on Tohshitoo.

Venturing into the dilapadated diner, Pants ordered a variety of burgers to whet his appetite. In the corner, he saw Shecks-Devihant, wielding a mighty beard. Leaping over to the Sith Lord's table, an emerald flame burst out of Pants' fist, and he slashed downward on the bewildered Shecks-Devihant.

Enraged, Shecks-Deviant set down his copy of Circumcisions Gone Wrong, and met Pants' fire. In an elongated duel, a total of five thousand candlesticks were destroyed, and twelve tables overturned. Shecks-Devihant, seeking refuge, laid his hands on a pole fashioned from pure gold, and declared "Barley!". Pants, enraged, ordered a complete orbital bombardment of Toshitoo, but made the mistake of ordering it before he was able to get off-planet. Luckilly, he was saved by a swashbuckling spacer, named Basil Rathbone, who sadly would die later in the day due to severe rope-burn.

Infidelity on Judy-Car
"He maken the good times with our bobblies."

- Chief Sprecken Donner

Though it appeared that Shecks-Devihant had perished on Toshitoo, the Shovers were dissapointed with Pants' lack of decisive action. They gave him a less arduous mission: Resolve the decades old civil war of Judy-Car. At first, Pants' relationship with the natives was strained, but any problems were soon ironed out when he made good relationships with the wives of both chiefs. Enraged, they ceased their civil war, and set out after Pants.

Jetsetting to Hackysack 225, Pants rushed into the Bigamist embassy, and sat down. However, the receptionist advised that he jack off to Ol' Man Riverseville, where they accepted Bigamist Jedi. Unfortunately, at that moment, the entire Judi-Car tribes barged into the foyer. Pants exclaimed "I've just about had enough of this! It's time to bring the noise in a melodramatic fashion!" and decapitated all of the Judi-Carsons with his mighty lightsaber, in one fell swoop.

Appearances

 * Sexual Impact
 * Star Wars Episode CLMXVI: No Soup For You