Monica Lu Wampa

"I, uh, didn't have relations with that Wampa... on Tuesday..."

- Palpatine

Monica Lu Wampa. Just look at her. Look at her perfectly formed body, her beautiful features, that curvaceous, sensuous form of hers. It drives men to distraction, and I'm sure it's driving you to distraction. Hell, she's so fine, that even if you're a woman I'm sure you're wishing you were a man right now so that you had a chance of attracting this beauty from the wonderful ice world of Hoth. She was so beautiful that her own mother cast her out, because she knew she just couldn't keep up with the competition. Her father jumped into an ice floe, partly for the shits and giggles, partly because he didn't want all the publicity of being known as the father of such a beautiful Wampa. He didn't like publicity, see, and the damn paparazzi just don't respect that.

Hell, it was the paparazzi that meant ol' Mon soon became a Sith!

Monica had always liked the big, red, flashy lightsabres, the idea of power, the idea of working with so many confident, rich, powerful men. So, when she got bored of being on the front cover of all those magazines they sell on Hoth (which don't actually exist; did I mention she had massive hallucinatory problems?) she became a Sith. However, working as a Sith meant she had to spend time under a master, and she served under Palpatine. All well and good, you might say, but no! Monica Lu Wampa had an affair with President Supreme Chancellor Palpatine, which suddenly made the whole galaxy go crazy. Partly because it was an unethical debasement of position. Partly because the people accusing didn't have the looks to get Mon.

Early life
"Wow, she’s just… wow… I mean like… wow… seriously… wow… that’s just incredibly… wow…"

- Wow. That’s just incredibly… wow.

No one knows what happened to make the birth of such an amazingly sultry, sexy Wampa. Two average parents, one who was actually quite ugly, got it on and created Monica Lu Wampa. Nothing special to explain her incredible looks, the glossy fur, the big, wide, hips. Legend has it that an albatross, or some other bird of the ice, did odd things to Monica as a foetus, which caused such an unusual beauty in such an average, or seemingly so, Wampa. Other people suggest that the exposure of the baby Monica to ice and water meant that her body developed backwards, which then reversed itself with a massive release of hormones which also, incidentally, caused severe diarrhoea for the first eight months of Monica's life. No one knows the truth, as Mon's parents "vanished" soon after, leaving Monica behind to be marvelled over by the remaining young Wampas.

Damn hormonal young scalliwags!

Monica became famous. Oh yes. She was only thirteen when she began her modelling career, which is actually quite big on Hoth, and, five years into her first marriage, when she was fourteen, she got pregnant. Now, abortion is something that should only be undertaken by expert DIY people, and Monica had these skills in addition to her appearance ones. So, she managed to perform a magic trick which involved removing the baby, ramming it down the throat of her erstwhile husband, eloping off world to meet some new, eligible men who wouldn't want to get her pregnant, and aspiring to become a Sith. Whew, slow done their, hun. Shouldn't you be doing the dishes or something? You're a woman, for God's sake. Well, that's what I thought.

Until she broke my nose with an insanely strong punch.

Sith
"I, uh, did not do things to that Wampa on, uh, that other day… yeah… Thursday…"

- Palpatine.

Obviously, all Sith, Jedi or other famous people have to start out on the planet of Tattooine, so that's where Monica went. Strangely, however, she didn't fit in so well there, and so she went, instead, to Coruscant. There, the young Palpatine had just learnt his Sithy-ways from Palputin, and so he offered to train the lovely young Wampa. This was for the same reason that any woman is hired into a company. Not because they’re smart, not because they’ve got ability (they’re a woman, for God’s sakes!) but because they’re sexy and, at the end of the day girls, that’s what wins promotion points. Masculine, career conscious women just don’t cut it I’m afraid. Monica understood this, which is why she began to go places. Which is exactly what you want to be doing, hmm?

Anyway, back to Monica! Monica took to being a Sith with aplomb. When there’s the suggestion that a woman climbs the promotion ladder because she’s sleeping with her boss, that’s not always trusted. But, in the case of Monica, it sure as hell was true. She was training as a secret Sith, whilst pretending to be Palpatine’s secretary in the Republic. When everyone found out about this, they called it an unethical sex fest and demanded Monica’s firing, partly because they believed it was unethical, partly because they didn’t get to have sex with Monica. As such, Monica became a Sith in her own right, and decided to go on a sabbatical and tour the galaxy. And kill some stuff.

Sabbatical
"Holy shit that’s my fucking arm!"

- Monica

Now, Monica had one particular skill, see. Her beauty would allow her to distract any possible victim (although the females were always so much harder!) and so then she could slice them down, decapitate them, garrotte them, give them a daisy chain or do any other number of horrible, disgusting things that you or I would quiver at the very mention of to them. Was this because she was a mean, evil person? Of course not, she just wanted a bit of fun! And, by being Sith-y and evil, she got that dark tinge to her face that gives her an additional kind of Gothic sexiness. That we like, eh gents? Unfortunately, this began to wear off, and she wasn’t really that good a Sith.

So, once the distraction effect stopped working…

When Wormie wanted to know just how beautiful she was, he went to Hoth. She was on vacation at this time, and so was at home. When he got lost, Monica went to say hi, and offer him food. Wormie, however, paranoid bastard that he is, chopped her arm off! Monica was distraught. Despite the fact she could have torn that bastard limb from limb, she instead jumped upon his lightsaber so that he could not try and do things to her, and so no one would see her in her non-beautiful form.

There.

The end.

The story’s over.