Mandalorian Wars

"The Mandalorian Wars was a minor irritant to the inevitable growth of our great Republic. Through the brave acts of our infallible, invincible Jedi allies, it was won with few losses. It was not won by a fallen Jedi, one who did not go on to wage a war which shattered the Jedi and Republic."

- Standard issue Old Republic college textbook

The Mandalorian Wars was a series of multiple simultaneous wars which culminated in a titanic conflict between the Mandalorian clans and the Old Republic. So massive and so destructive was it, that no one remembered it four thousand years later. This in itself was due to the manner of education provided by Old Republic schools, namely very little. Of course, this could have been remedied if the Senate Department of Education had paid school teachers more... and reintroduced corporal punishment in grade schools.

As for the war, it was begun when Mandalore the Sufficient attacked the worlds of Dxun and Onderon. He won. Next he launched an invasion of the Republic through three sectors, and won, after which he decided he to invite the rest of his people to join him. Under him, the Mandalorians proceeded to butcher the Republic armed forces.

The war battered the Republic whose current generation of soldiers' one experience of combat had been against Nemoidians, which meant none at all. Knowing itself to be faced with PWNage of unprecedanted scale, the Galactic Senate petitioned the Jedi Order for help. At the time of the petition, however, the Jedi Council had not finished its Blue Milk, or found its collective dentures for that matter, and so refused to listen. But one "Jedi", not part of the council, did listen: Revan. Intrigued at the idea of indiscriminate slaughter, he recruited nine-fifths of the Jedi and joined the fight.

Once under Revan's leadership, the Republic's armed forces began to butcher the Mandalorians. In response the Mandalorians butchered the Republic's armed forces still more. However, Revan out butchered both of them. Revan. Won. The. War.

Prelude
"Hell, why not?"

- Mandalorian justification for the war

After the defeat of Exar Kun, the Mandalorians clans had dispersed again to their homeworlds. The failure of their Sith neighbors to crush the Old Republic had left them not disillusioned like others but, instead, bored. Therefore, when a Sith agent suggested that the clans unite against the Republic, he was met with open arms and a kick in the groin &mdash; the latter a traditional Mandalorian greeting to outsiders. Mandalore himself delivered the kick.

The campaign was begun with the occupation of Dxun, much to the anger of the Onderonians. Their leaders wrote a decidedly rude letter to Mandalore. Upon receiving it, Mandalore ate it. So the Onderonians wrote another letter. Mandalore ate this one too. Twelve letters later it dawned on them that Mandalore could not read. An ambassador was then sent but she could not find the Mandalorian. In fact, he was at that time looting the nearby tombs of Onderon's ancient rulers. When he returned and met the ambassador, he laughed at her demand to surrender. Then he declared war on, and invaded, Onderon. And won.

Being a nice person, sort of, Mandalore decided to invite the rest of his people to join his crusade. As word spread, clan upon clan joined themselves to the cause. Their massed forces proceeded to Onderon and Dxun, now staging points. Once landed, they proceeded to slaughter tens of thousands of the defeated locals, including Fandalorians. Mandalore, to keep them out of his hair while he and the clans' elders made plans, sent them to rape and pillage the Outer Rim. First world to fall was Cathar, which the obedient Mandalorians bombed the G*nk out of. Others worlds soon followed.

Invasion of the Republic
"Fellow Mandalorians... uh... I think we took a wrong turn a few parsecs back..."

- Mandalore the Sufficient

The Mandalorians because of their Onderonian conquest now had a foothold near Republic space. Together with the clans' elders Mandalore readied invasion plans. The attack would come through three different sectors, it was decided. A fourth was debated. It was, however, dropped when recon teams found the sector overrun with with Gizka ninjas. Six elders objected to the change but relented when Canderous Ordo killed them.

Despite painstaken preparations the invasion did not begin without flaw; the second invasion column, led by Cassus Fett, took a wrong turn and wound up at Ryloth. Being proper warriors, Fett's Mandalorians looted, raped and pillaged the native Twi'leks. This done, their fleet bombed the G*nk out of Ryloth's surface. The Hutts, of course, took offense at such destruction of a profitable source of slaves and sent the message "Poodoo!". But the message was delivered via Republic owned satellites, a fact which convinced Fett that he was in Republic space. He set course for Hutt Space and attempted to bomb the G*nk out of Nal Hutta, Nar Shadaa, and several other planets but failed. To be fair, however, his gunners were all drunk. Upon realizing his mistake, Fett apologized and left.

As for the first invasion column, led by Mandalore, it caught Republic forces off guard. The resulting slaughter was epic in scope. Hundreds of worlds fell to it. Likewise, the third invasion column, led by Jean D'Arc, fared well and butchered thousands.

The Mandalorians next turned against the Zabrak colonies of the Mid Rim, worlds which the clans' elders, this time, first ensured were part of the Republic. Against them was sent a multiple division force under Canderous Ordo. The Zabraks, being a race of mercenaries, fought back. Calls to the rest of the Republic were made but went unanswered. This was not because of Mandalorian interference. It was, in fact, because on Coruscant the Senate had seized control of all satellites for use in a galactic poll to decide whether the Republic was in a "war" or a "police action". The Zabrak colonies never participated in the poll because Canderous bombed the G*nk out of them.

Faced with such an onslaught, the Republic, under such leaders as generals Elvis Mothma, Waldo, Carmen San Diego, and admirals Baden Powell and Flipper, chose to fall back. Time and time again the Mandalorian clans were victorious. Planet after planet fell. Those that resisted had the G*nk bombed out of them. On the world Oz, a brutal Mandalorian raid slew its queen and her Kansas friends, on Nabooboo the Mandalorians almost wiped out the locals, on Wall Street stocks soared. But it did not last.

Pinnacle of PWNage
"He did WHAT with the cucumber!?! Damn! I wish I'd thought of that!"

- Mandalorian elder on Revan's unorthodox tactics

Since the first, the Galactic Senate had known it faced PWNage of an unprecedanted scale. The Mandalorians were unstoppable; Mandalore the Sufficient had proven a more than sufficient strategist, Canderous Ordo was certified insane, Cassus Fett had a hangover, and Chuck the Magic Badger was a successful industrialist. So the Senate did what had long since become a tradition: it crawled to its Jedi allies and whimpered for help.

"Quick! To the Dial-a-Jedi hotline!"

- Senate War Proposal #4511a.091.22c6.8

After a debate of relative shortness, four months to be exact, a committee was sent to the Jedi Council. This, however, proved a poor move because the Council used a different time zone &mdash; its members were asleep, their Blue Milk still unconsumed and, for that matter, their dentures were missing. The Senate's plea was turned down. But as the committee left, it met a not-woman who heard them out. This meet became the pivital point of the Mandalorian Wars for the not-woman was Revan.

Revan, together with his bald minion Malak, declared crusade against the Mandalorians. This displeased the Jedi Council which proceeded to preach a mild sermon about the need for pacifism. However, such was Revan's awesomeness that nine-tenths of the whole Jedi Order rushed to join him. Even Darth Awesome joined him, to learn from his awesomeness, even though Darth Awesome himself would not be born for another four millenia. Revan took his new followers to join the Republic's forces. So amazed were the Republic piffs at Revan's vast aura of "Revanitude" that he soon gained command of one-third of the whole fleet. He later took the other two-thirds too because he hated fractions. It was with his coming that the course of the war changed in favor of the Republic. Duh.

The first major encounter between the revitalized Republic forces and the Mandalorians was at the Battle of Big Explosions and Lots o' Dead Folk. Here an ambush was readied for a force under the command of Mandalore himself. In a break with age-old Republic military tradition, Revan refused to send a hologram invitation to his foe to come be ambushed. This act caused much discomfort among his troops, discomfort which ended when Revan slaughtered the officers who had objected. To raise morale he afterwards awarded each slain officer with a posthumous Medal of Post Mortem Valor. As for the Mandalorians, their warriors arrived and were butchered.

Now it was the Mandalorians' turn to fall back. However, Revan was a good hearted fellow, sort of, and left multiple worlds undefended so Mandalore and his clans could still loot, rape, and pillage. One such world was Serrocco. Cassus Fett, just freed from a rehabilitation center, bombed the G*nk out of it because its inhabitants were prohibitionists.

The End!
"Yes, but it was... [sniff] beautiful! Pass the Jawa Juice..."

- Mandalorian on the Battle of Malachor V

The sheer awesomeness of Revan's campaign continued over the next months. Revan provided intelligence, his bald minion Malak provided the insane brawn, Admiral Saul Karrot provided the British accent needed to order around the fleet, and the Jedi Exile provided... a lot of dead Mandalorians. However, at some point during all this, Revan and Malak began to change. Malak's jaw fell off for one thing. His doctor had always told him that he should oil its joints before giving long, boring monologues to the troops but he refused to. It just goes to show that, well, Malak was rather stupid. And he talked too much. Revan's change was less dramatic: he started wearing sharp looking evil, black robes.

But he didn't fall to the Dark side!

Or did he? The Hag said "no" but she was a kriffing idiot. Fanboys and Fangirls say "no" but they're Fanfolk. Or did the Dark Side fall to Revan? Possibly, possibly...

Anyway, soon the Mandalorians had been driven back to Dxun itself. Realizing that the clans were about to have some major PWNage dealt out to them, Mandalore ordered all but the beefiest Mandalorians to abandon the planet. This tactical withdrawal was almost ruined when Cassus Fett was found drunk and unconcious, stuck in the doorway of the main barracks. Since no one wished to awaken the famous warrior, thousands of Mandalorians were trapped inside. Mandalore himself intervened and through liberal use of permecrete detonators the door was cleared. Cassus Fett was thereupon presumed dead. Nevertheless, Revan won. Duh.

The last battle of the war was at Malachor V. Revan's fleet trapped the Mandalorians there and the Jedi Exile bombed the G*nk out of it with a Hutt's shadow. BOOM! When Revan arrived he finished off the survivors, including Mandalore.

Roll credits...