Satine Kryze

"Why would the Mandalorian people want to be badass, jetpack-wearing, blaster-wielding, armor-wearing motherbleepers, when we could teach basket weaving at the local community college or organize an organic bake sale to raise money to clean trash off the highways? All I'm saying is, if there were fewer super-awesome armor-covered soldiers in the galaxy, well, there might be fewer wars, and then we could all deconstruct the imagery in this book of lesbian poetry I just bought at the granola café."

- Satine Kryze

Oh my God, not Satine Kryze. Okay, Satine Kryze was a New Mandalorian pacifist reformer on Mandalore. She wore an elaborate headdress decorated with macaroni noodles. She was also Obi-Wan Kenobi's ex-boo and continued to nag him every few months by e-mail. The history that Satine and Obi-Wan shared was top secret... in fact, George Lucas didn't bother to write one. He just hinted vaguely at romantic entanglements. It probably wasn't as interesting as they tried to make it seem. (Obi-Wan dated her because, hey, it was college, and besides, hippie chicks are easy.)

Satine was elected the Duchess of Mandalore, because dukes and duchesses are apparently elected officials. She won in an election with historically low voter turnout... in fact, only four people voted, three of whom were her family members. She then decided to completely dismantle the Mandalorian warrior culture, renounce violence, and play hacky sack. The Mandalorians thought Satine was sort of cute in a preachy kinda way and so went along with her for a while, becoming the peacenik New Mandalorians, except for a few meanie, frowny-faced hardliner reactionaries, who formed the evil Death Watch faction.

Satine struggled with Death Watch throughout her tenure as Duchess, during which time she was repeatedly kidnapped. The Jedi usually sent Obi-Wan Kenobi to rescue her, so that they could share uncomfortable reminiscences about their vaguely defined past and banter awkwardly about pacifism and militarism. She was once accused of assassinating the Republic Minister of Intelligence after a misunderstanding on Coruscant, but was later acquitted when her lawyer was able to prove she was too much of a spineless wimp to kill anyone. "She wouldn't hurt a fly," argued the lawyer, "and if she ever tried, the fly would beat her up and take her lunch money."

She also was involved in a stupid storyline about corruption and poisoned mando'ade or something. Reviewers were so unimpressed by these episodes, they posted angry messages on the HoloNet for weeks afterwards.

"Farewell, sweet Obi-Wan. I've always loved you. Remember me and our completely unspecified relationship... I may be a vaguely defined character, but to the extent I have any real motivation, it's to be with you." *cough, cough* "By the way, I left five hundred thousand credits in the... eeeeghghhh..."

- Satine's last words to Obi-Wan Kenobi

Finally, Satine was killed by Darth Maul (yay!) after being kidnapped again and used to lure Obi-Wan Kenobi into a trap. Good bloody riddance. And don't try resurrecting her by saying it was one of her clones or body-doubles that got killed. Obi-Wan, devastated, held her in his arms as she died. And then he burst out crying, or possibly laughing. It was kind of hard to tell.