Darth Cullen

Edward Cullen, also known as Darth Cullen, Captain Cullen, That guy, No not that guy, you idiot, that one, and called Cullybear by his girlfriend Bella Swan, was a human male Jedi who later became a Sith, just like Anakin Skywalker. He was also emo like Anakin Skywalker, and the two were often seen cutting themselves on the steps of the Jedi Temple. Both of them had not-exactly-proper feelings for each other and Obi-Wan Kenobi, and both of them were big supporters of "The Rose Side of the Force", which was (content was removed in order to keep Darthipedia child-friendly). Unlike Anakin, however, even after Edward joined the Sith he did not turn to the Dark Side and change his evil ways. So instead, Anakin, (now in his new and totally hoppin' identity as Darth Vader), made him do his laundry and make everyone coffee. Even in this minor role Edward still managed to humiliate Vader, so Vader hired a publicist named Stephanie Meyer to make Edward seem more palatable. Noticing his unuasually pale skin and emo personality, she wrote a highly romanticized version of his relationship with Bella Swan and cast him as a vampire instead of a Jedi/Sith. She named the book Twilight, which despite its crappy writing style and terrible plotline became an international bestseller. Of course, she had to base a lot of it from the emotional relationship of Anakin and Padme (who, incidentially, was Bella's first cousin and employer). But Vader, angered that Pattinson Cullen upstaged him and was stealing all of the chicks, gave us this exclusive interview about the real Edward Cullen. Scroll down if you wish, but it's a sad, sad, story.