Dark Woman

The Dark Woman, born An'ya Kuro and known to historians as Darth Gams, was a swell dame, a hot little Sheba, and wouldn't you know it, a Jedi! No, on the level, brudder, she was the real McCoy! Why, she could levitate a lightsaber or walk through a wall as quick as you could say Jack Robinson. And her gams? Why, she had a pair of sticks like God's own barge poles.

Apprentices
Dark Woman discovered that pointy-headed palooka Ki-Adi-Mundi when he was just a kid. "Hey, sister," he said, whistling in her direction, "those sure are some sweet gams. Woo-wee, real dolly drumsticks on you!" "Ah, dry up, kid!" she shouted back. "I've had just about an earful of you. I ain't no Dumb Dora, you know. Tell ya what, though, how's about I train you to keep your fat trap shut, huh?"

They trained together for a brief spell, but Ki, he carried a torch for Little Miss Gams, and who could blame him? He was a pushover for a keen kisser like hers. Eventually she got tired of him starin' at her stems all day long and made him train with Yoda.

Well, wouldn't you know it, along comes this crazy Jane, name of Aurra Sing. Well, Aurra, she had a body hittin' on all sixes, but her mug was moider. And cold? Brudder, this moll could make ice cubes in Tatooine summer. Dark Woman figured, hey, she's a good egg deep down, and she aims to set her straight. Well, big mistake. Aurra, see, she hooks up with some space pirates, all of a sudden, she's the biggest wet blanket you ever did see.

Well, Dark Woman ain't the type of tomatah to sit down for that. She don't take no wooden nickels. So she goes down to the speakeasy where Aurra and the pirates congregate. "Hey, you ossified owls," she says, "any of you pikers seen Aurra Sing? We got unfinished business." "Say there, gorgeous," one of the pirates says, "Maybe you and me got some business of our own. Get a peep and them pillars on you. What say we put on some glad rags and hit the town?" Boy, these pirates were zozzled somethin' good. "Oh, nobody home, huh?" says Dark Woman. "Listen, buddy, nobody takes a Jedi for a ride, see?"

Well, that don't sit too well, do it, and the pirates, they pull out their shivs and heaters, see, thinkin' they could make her scram, you know, give her the bum's rush. Well, she pulled out her lightsaber cleaned all their clocks. Aurra hears all the commotion and heads downstairs. "Hey, fellas, what's eatin' you?" she says. Then she sees Dark Woman. "Well, well, well, if it ain't the ritzy ragamuffin herself. You think you can ruin my childhood and leave me holdin' the bag? No dice!" Dark Woman tries to make her case, but Aurra just says "Pipe down, ya pill!" And, brudder, the duel was on. To be honest, I ain't even sure who won. I was too busy starin' at her gams to notice.

Maybe she trained that guy who became Darth Krayt too. Mighty fine gams on that girl.

Vader and the Jedi Purge
Well, Palpatine declared an empire and bumped off every Jedi he could find. Well, except Vader. Palpatine thought Vader was the bee's knees. Well, Dark Woman gets a wiggle on and heads far off to a Podunk little nowheresville called Cophrigin 5, thinkin' no Jedi or Sith would ever find her there. Ah, what a waste of a great pair of gams! Nobody but the plants and insects to stare at 'em on that whole planet. Well, she spends decades living in secret over there, tending her garden and brewing bootleg hooch, thinkin' everything's jake. But then Vader finds her.

Well, Dark Woman, she knows Vader's got her number, but she tries one last thing. "You ain't gonna bump me off, no matter what your boss says."

And Vader shoots back, "Says you! Yeah, you slay me. Dark woman, you don't know from nothin'. I wasn't born yesterday. For years you've been on the lam, and now I'm takin' you down."

So Dark Woman looks down and says, "No, you aren't," and with that, she lifts up her skirts as high as they'll go, revealing every square inch of the most bee-yoo-tiful gams in the galactic plane, hot enough to dazzle a dodo. And, baby, she was dolled up in her best silk rags. Not even Vader could give the high-hat to her, not with those pristine pins in that lacy lingerie.

Well, there's Vader, starin' open-mouthed like a fish on a hook. He dropped his lightsaber and accidentally cut down a tree, which fell on her, and she died. Her body disintegrated into the Force, and she appeared as a ghost... a ghost with a great pair of gams. "You've killed me, Vader," she said, "And now you'll never touch these gams." "Noooooooooooooo!" he shouted, for he realized that he had destroyed the best pair of gams in the universe.

Abilities and traits
I tell ya, that flapper had herself a great, great pair of gams. She had a classy chassis to boot, but nothin' holds a candle to them gams. Yeah, Dark Woman was the cat's pajamas.