Jesus Christ



Jesus Christ, also known as the Nazarene, King of the Jews, and Lord thy God, was a Jedi Master and distant descendant of Qui-Gon Jinn. A member of the New Jedi Order from long after the Skywalker Epoch, the name of his birth was Special:Mypage. A firm advocate of intervention beyond that of fighting the dark side, he preached that the Order should help the less fortunate, and that the rich of the galaxy should give all of their wealth to the poor. He was also a talented polyglot, and could insult just about anyone in their native tongue, both before and after drinking them under the table, even though he was a peaceful person at heart.

Biography
"They say there are great mysteries beyond the Outer Rim which, even ten thousand years after the final fall of the Empire, beg for attention."

- Mace Windu MCMLXXVII sends on his merry way

was a radical in many ways; he believed that the Jedi Order should become more involved in community affairs, using their influence to eradicate crime, disease, and poverty, as well as the Sith and planet destruction. He was so adamant about the need for change that the Jedi Council, annoyed at his persistence, sent him off to the Outer Rim to find his own patch of space to tame.

While on a quest to find a suitable planet that he could help to civilize, 's ship was accidentally sucked into a previously unknown wormhole. Carried millions upon millions of light-years beyond the Unknown Regions of the galaxy, he wound up on the outskirts of the Milky Way, near a backwater, technologically primitive planet called Earth. With nowhere else to go and supplies running low, landed his completely intact and ready to be reverse-engineered badly-damaged starship in an obvious place a well-concealed location not far from the Dead Sea.

Adventures on Earth
"What a desolate place this is..."

- ponders the landscape.

Not long after arriving on this new world, sought out what civilization he could, soon encountering a band of Roman soldiers. Disinclined to communicate, the cohort attacked, forcing him to bless them for their sins. Learning of the existence of nearby settlements from a soldier who had, wisely, surrendered to hum, followed the Force's guidance, untill finding himself in Galilee. After months of getting to know the locals, and imparting to them the teachings of the Jedi Code in a form they could understand, he earned the title of "Christ", and took on the name Jesus. With the population there brought into the fold, Jesus began to seek out other, like-minded individuals.

After several years of wandering, reaching places as far afield as London and Calcutta, Jesus Christ gathered unto himself a following of twelve trusted students, which he nicknamed "apostles": Hickory, Dickory, Doc, Bashful, Dopey, Grumpy, Happy, Sleepy, Sneezy, Yodel, Ziggy, and Rufus. With his entourage in tow, Jesus Christ proceeded to spread his version of the Jedi Code, which oddly enough loosely resembled contemporary Jewish teachings, to the masses. Needless to say, the ruling class didn't like this, so they conspired to have him taken care of. A thirteenth apostle, named Drawkcab H'trad, was tasked by the gentry with infiltrating Christ's cabal, which he did, pretending to be a humble joint-peddler. As the apostles needed a steady supply of weed, he was welcomed with open arms.

Betrayal and "death"
"Sorry about this, Jesus my man. It's not personal, just business."

- Drawkcab H'trad

Soon after having successfully joined the group, H'trad tipped the gentry off as to where the cabal of do-gooders were hiding. A legion of Roman stormtroopers was dispatched to "observe" the meeting, calling out those in attendance so that they could be "inspected" for plague. At the signal, H'trad pointed out the leader of the group, Christ, and the Romans immediately took the Jedi Master into custody. After a speedy torture session, the Pilate (who shall remain nameless) decreed that Christ was to be let loose. This angered the gentry, who through various means had managed to convince most common folk of the area that the Force and the Jedi were somehow evil (it is rumored that Darth Awesome was behind this rabble-rousing), and that Christ should be crucified. And, lo, so it came to pass.

"Holy crap, these nails hurt like a muthakriffer!"

- Jesus, getting crucified

Being a Jedi, however, had its advantages. While nailed to a fucking huge cross, Jesus was able to use the Force to sustain himself, using a mind trick to make the Roman guards and his fellow convicts think he had died; meanwhile, he himself went into a healing trance. Three days later, it was a simple matter of Force levitation for the Jedi Master to leave his tomb. From there, he found his cabal, told them what had gone down, then beat feet for his starship. Confident that he had sown the seeds for future civilization, he left that ugly, bass-ackwards dirtball behind, finding the wormhole that had brought him there via the Force.

Legacy
"Not that it wasn't fun, guys, but I gotta jet! Remember, there is no death, only the Force!"

- 's last words on Earth

Jesus Christ left quite an impression on Earth during his time there, obviously. Upon his real death, he bade the Jedi to conduct occasional reconnaissance missions to Earth, giving them the coordinates of the wormhole that had taken him there. Thus, nearly every flying saucer sighting today is, most likely, the sighting of a Jedi-piloted intelligence-gathering ship.

Personality, traits, powers, abilities, and all sorts of minutiae
"He liked to listen. Whenever we sat around the campfire, talking about unimportant shit, he always had a smile on his face."

- Rufus, two thousand years after the departure of Christ

Jesus was a far-out dude, really. When he wasn't crying out for aid to the poor and sick, he liked to smoke a joint with his cabal, trading stories and carrying on most righteously. He also enjoyed alcohol; even in moderation, he could drink just about everyone under the table, including that Madclaw person. A talented polyglot, he could also converse with scholars from all over the world. Also, he was highly-skilled at mind tricks; so good, in fact, that he managed to convince a crowd of five thousand that they had eaten their fill on only three fish and five loaves of bread.

Appearances

 * The Bible (Duh!)
 * Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace
 * Star Wars Episode XIV: A New Galaxy
 * A Guide to the Star Wars Universe, Second Edition {Cut content}