There is another

 There Is Another

A crappy, half-assed, incoherent "Novel"

By

Chapter 1: "Who art my father, master?"
For the rest of the damn story I'm too lazy to write, (damn George Lucas and his creativity) go watch the movies, like the fourth, fifth, and half way through the sixth.

 Luke sat numbly down by the small bed thing. It sort of resembled a sack of potatoes. He was crouched inside some small, crappy, dirty little hut that he despised. It was short, the ceilings were like a foot tall or something. I think he set a world record for most times someone has hit their head on a ceiling. Also, the food there tasted like crap. He hated it so much he just wanted to fly away and destroy the whole planet. Regardless if he hated it or not, he had to go in, because it was his "destiny". He hated his destiny, and the big fucking mess it got him in. "I hate my destiny, and the big fucking mess it has got me in," he mumbled quietly to himself.

In the small, potato sack-like bed next to him was a large green raisin, better known as Yoga. Yoga was a stupid "Jedi Master" that Luke had tons of feelings for. And no, it wasn't love—Luke was a straight as a ruler—it was feelings of dire hatred. The only reason why he didn't turn on his lightsaber and swipe Yoga's small, wrinkly head clean off was because the only person in the damn galaxy he actually liked, Oldie Van Moldie, told him that Yoga was going to train him and be his "master". Luke thought lowly of this because at the time his pissiness was up—no it wasn't PMS, it was the fact that he had almost just been lunch for an Alsakan—and just prayed that Yoga wasn't going to be his new pimp sex master.

As it turned out, Yoga didn't make Luke his latest sex slave. What he tried to do instead was teach Luke about some "force" bullshit. And that made Luke sick. At first, Yoda was just a annoying little booger, but when he started making Luke try to pick up rocks just by thinking he wanted to rip Yoga's head right the fuck off. After a while Luke just pretended that he was having nightmares and ditched the planet altogether with his trashcan companion. He flew around for a while and did some crap, but then it Oldie Van oldie's presence or something made him fly back to Yoga. He was pissed.

When he came back to Dagobah, the planet where Yoga lived, he was quite pleased. Yoga was finally old enough ("Nine hundred years," he thought to himself. "How could people stand that son of a bitch for that long?") to kick the bucket. When Luke learned this he was happy out of his pants—literally. He took them off and flung them in the lake, much to Pan Fendar's pleasure. After he had got them back on he went inside the hut and pretended to care about Yoga. Who was now mere moments from death. Luke was so excited.

But he just remembered that Yoga was one of the only people who knew who his father was.

"Fuck," He muttered to himself. This meant he would have to ask him, and talk to that stupid fuck Booger even more. He hated talking to him. He always talked a little backwards, as though e was drunk. And he never gave Luke—or even offered it, for that matter—any booze.

The problem about his father had been driving him crazy. Oldie Van Moldie said the Boogie-Man took him away before Luke was born. But then the sinister Darth Hater, or whoever that negro was, said that he was Luke's father. He set out to find the truth. And now was the time.

"Hey, bastar-- I mean Master, since you're smart or some shit like that, can you answer a question for me?" Luke asked.

"On what the question is, that depends." Yoga replied.

Luke's temper flared. That backward talking drove him crazy.

"Alright. Since you're like amazing or something, who's my real father?"

A terrified look went over Yoga's face. "Shit," he said. "Think you would ask this, I did not. How wrong I was."

Luke couldn't stand it. He stood up, picked up Yoga's head dresser (which was really a shoe box, but it was the right size for Yoga) and trough it out the window. "TELL ME WHO THE FUCK MY FATHER IS NOW, BEFORE I KILL YOU INSTEAD OF LETTING YOU JUST DIE!" Luke yelled.