Olivia Kenobi

Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna Amidala Kenobi or simply Olivia Kenobi was a human female Sith Overlord. A strange girl with strange parents. You might have guessed it, but Olivia was the daughter of Obi-Wan Kenobi, the alchoholic Jedi, and Padme Amidala, the totally hot yet stoned Senator from Nabooboo. Yes, this wiki does post lots of wacky stuff, but I'm sure you weren't expecting this. It actually makes lots of sense once you think about it.

Olivia was born on Coruscant about a month before Padmè and Annie decided to spend some more quality time together, which ended up with Olivia getting two lovely half-siblings. She was only about ten months old when the Galactic Empire was founded and her mom died. Her father Obi-Wan was charged with the care of lovely half-sibling number one, so he took her to Tatooine to be raised by him. Unfortunately, old Obi-Wan the drunkard had a craving for Jawa Juice that night. When he woke up in a Tatooine jail cell (which really makes you wonder what happened in that bar) he forgot all about being Obi-Wan and he took on the name of Ben. After being fined 200 credits for property damage Olivia was given back to him. He didn't know who Olivia was, so he sold her to a a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord named Diane Vader and used the money to buy more Jawa Juice.

Diane trained Olivia in the ways of the Dark Side as thoroughly as she did with her other apprentice and son, Darth Vader. When she was twenty-one, Diane tasked her with the most gruelling test ever: she was to write an article on Darthipedia and manage to make it an Article of Eviltude. It was difficult, to say the least. There was an incident that involved a rancor and a sarlaac, and Olivia barely made it out alive. On her final mission, Diane's ex-husband Palpatine captured Olivia and implored her to be one of his appendages while trying to sway her lovely half-sibling number one, Wormie, to the Dark Side. When that didn't work Palpy Force Lightninged Wormie, completely unaware of Olivia who sneaked up from behind and cut his head off. Then she accidentally pushed the self-destruct button of the Death Star, but the two of them escaped on Wormie's X-wing.

Olivia couldn't shake off her feelings from the days when she tried making that Article of Eviltude on Darthipedia, which had remained unfinished. So she finished her article and it still stands, today, as one of those Articles of Eviltude. Unfortunately, she signed in under her former master Diane's account while finishing the article so we don't know which one it was. But there have been several theories proposed by the great modern thinker Darth Obvious, so try taking a look at one of those.

Birth
Olivia Orsina Joanna Paloma Maria Taverna Amidala Kenobi was born during the Clone Wars to Padme and Obi-Wan. You might think this is a load of crap because we thought that Padmè was with Anakin, but it isn't. Think about it: Padmè, the totally hot, smart, 27-year-old senator with Anakin, that 23-year-old whiny emo with lame Jedi skills. Does it make any sense? Padmè was far from satisfied scoring with a man 5 years younger than her, so she turned to Obi-Wan, who made Anakin look like a mere side-dish and was also 11 years older than her, to be her main course. Hey, it was a better idea than having kids with Anakin. Thus Padmè got pregnant and nine months later a baby was born who she named Olivia Orsina Paloma Maria Amidala Kenobi (it was Obi-Wan who added the Taverna... can't imagine why).

The reason why she gave her daughter so many names is because it was Naboobooian tradition to do so. What was Padmè's real name? Padma Cecilia Pooja Dritana Marvana Alana Amidala. She changed the "Padma" to "Padmè" because it sounded more French, but all those names were still present on her birth certificate. Wanting to honor the Naboobooians, she named Olivia accordingly.

Young Life
Tradgedy struck when Padmè died at the hands of the jealous Anakin, angry that his dream girl had relations with Obi-Wan. Yoda told Obi-Wan to take Padmè's son Wormie to Tatooine and bring Olivia with him to do the dishes at his Dune Sea Lodge Obi-Wan was plannning to open up. So Obi-Wan did, but he got a little sidetracked at the airport's bar. They had a contest to see who could drink the most gallons of Jawa Juice in ten minutes. Obi-Wan won, drinking 635 gallons, surpassing the runner-up's 43. That was when he passed out.

Obi-Wan woke up to the inside of a Tatooine jail cell with no recollection of who he was or what he was doing here. What was here anyway? Our bewildered drunken friend was dragged to a courtroom where the judge fined him 200 credits and handed him back Wormie and Olivia. He had no idea why the judge gave him these children and in his drunk stupor thought he won a raffle or something.

Outside the courtroom, Diane Vader was waiting outside for her son Darth Vader to finish using the restroom in the soda fountain next door. Shocked that Kenobi could be carrying two Force-sensitive babies she questioned him. When he told her they were his prizes Diane reached the conclusion that there was definitely something seriously wrong with this man. A plan began to form in her mind. She offered to keep one of his prizes safe for 1500 credits, enough to buy Obi-Wan 750 gallons of Jawa juice. He agreed and handed over Olivia, walking in the direction of the local tavern and... you can imagine what happened to him after that...

Apprenticeship
"The first thing to being a Sith is always being watchful. You have to listen to everything, look at everything, and read everything... Twenty-nine dollars? Are they freakin' kidding me!"

- Diane Vader teaches her apprentice about the Sith at Darth-Mart

Diane Vader raised Olivia in the same way she raised her son Darth: as an apprentice, except for the fact the Olivia was a lot better at it than Vader was. While Vader burned even water, Olivia was able to make chocolate soufflè in 23.2 minutes at the age of five. Without burning it. Awesome! And she took out the garbage when Diane was busy. Super!

Because of her amazing skills, Diane showed her a secret world that she hadn't allowed her son to see: the world of Darthipedia. Olivia liked Darthipedia, especially the article on Obi-Wan Kenobi (tee-hee), so Diane let her priveleged apprentice open up a user account and even start making articles. But she didn't let Olivia nominate them for anything, which she really wanted to do. Finally, when Olivia was fourteen, Diane decided to let her make an article and go nominate it for an Article of Eviltude. Then her Sith training would be complete.

The Article of Eviltude
Olivia spent quite a while working on her article, then nominated it. Almost immediately, it seemed to her, people were opposing her left and right, saying they would support it if "this one thing" was added or fixed. What really ticked Olivia off was that they never fixed it for her and she always had to go on these dangerous missions in order to do so. But she finally got her AoE, so who cares?

Jabba's Latin Grammar Book
= To Be Continued On the Morrow =