Palpatine



"Ahahahaha!"

- Palpatine, many, many times

Frank Palpatine, also known as Cos Dashit (pronounced "Cause da shit!"), Sidney Ebenezer Palpatine or Sid E. Palpatine, Rupert G. Palpatine, Phineas Q. Palpatine, Cos Palpatine, Dantius Palpatine, Albert Palpatine, Albus Severus Palpatine, Augustus Palpatine, Frank Palpatine, El Palpo, Betty Humpser (pronouced "Bet he humps her") and Bobo, and under the titles Chancellor Palpatine, Emperor Palpatine and The Emperor, and under the nicknames of Palpy, Palps, Sir Palpy Chicken Caesar that old guy that smells like cheese and ear wax, Old Dude, and rarely Lord Ugly Butt, was a man of many names, a Galactic Emperor and a Sith Lord named Darth Sidious (though some people didn't realize that until Episode MMVII). He was trained by some Muun Darth who had a plague (or was it Darth Imperius, like the all-knowing SuperShadow said?). Either way, Palpatine had an extremely long life before getting PWN3D a couple of times. And in that long life, it appeared as though he became an excellent companion with his trusty toothbrush, which he nick named "Timothy". Tim and he had great fun, but why the hell does this matter? Keep reading, you n00bs, or I will destroy your planet!

Early life
Palpatine was born to horrified parents Oliver and Susan Palpatine, along with his younger twin brother Darth Voldemort. There must have been something wrong with these parents (must be genetic) because they had the bright idea of naming him Rupert G. Palpatine. However, he soon realized that this name caused him to be beaten up on a regular basis. He eventually changed his name to Frank, though not before the trauma of his experiences with his cruel schoolmates caused deep psychological scars. As a result, he later developed multiple personality disorder.

Frank Palpatine always had ambitions of becoming a Sith. This desire was not inhibited by his multiple personality disorder, so he applied to the top Sith college of Darthvard on Korriban. He got accepted for his amazingly good Pesto con muerte, whatever that is. At college he met a very hot chick named Diane Vader and fell in love. Of course, Frank's relationship skills were not exactly of the highest, so he had to kidnap her before proposing. To everyone's surprise, she accepted. It's one of the mysteries of modern science. Anyway, they got married and graduated from college. Later the young happy couple moved to the only planet in the galaxy, where Frank Palpatine developed a fetish for wearing khakis with matching sandals. Three years on Tatooine Diane and Frank had a son together named James Darth Vader Palpatine (don't ask).

Eventually, Frank got bored of Diane and James so he took an apprentice named Darth Maul. He used the young boy for...you know, entertainment. It took about two weeks before Diane found about it. She beat him up. Badly. Then, she kindly divorced the dude right on the spot and took the kid with her. Frank just saw this as an added bonus. He moved to Naboo, got elected Senator, and "secretly" became Darth Sidious, though everyone else still knew him as Frank.

The Invasion of Naboo
"I must be Frank with you, Your Majesty."

- Frank Palpatine, to Queen Amidala of Naboo

At the time of the Invasion of Naboo, which Palpatine's additional personality, Darth Sidious, had orchestrated, Palpatine was feeling very frustrated by his constraint to not reveal his other identity, lest it damage his political career. He would occasionally hint that he was forced to pretend to be Frank Palpatine, though no one ever caught on.

The Clone Wars and Aftermath
Eventually, his Sith personality took over completely and he became Emperor of the Galactic Empire. He could still think normally, though he had a habit of being very rude and neglecting to fulfill basic hygienic needs. He was in great need of a toothbrush, face lift, and hair plugs. In order to impress the ladies (which was difficult after Diane's beating scarred him) he applied for plastic surgery. Unfortunately, he used it a little too much and his nose fell off once, among other things that made him look....umm, not pretty.

He changed his name to Sidney Ebenezer Palpatine in tribute to his other identity.

Rebirth
In 4 BBY, after his apparent death during the Battle of Endor from massive exposure to an Extra-Large Supreme Ultra Large Burrito, (which killed thousands of Burrito Kings everywhere), Palpatine rose again in a clone body he dubbed "Phineas Q. Palpatine", who Luke Skywalker defeated. After the Thrawn Burrito Crisis, he returned as Emperor Ratzinger, or Darth Benedictus. When he returned as Benedictus, he attempted to use the Force on Luke, but he shat himself instead just before degenerating. Thus he was destroyed forever.

While making a gravestone for the former elected Chancellor and Emperor, one chiseler was reported to have said, "This guy's got more names than a Chinese phone book!" His joke was generally found to be in bad taste and not especially funny.

New Job
Palpatine struggled to find the right job since he was killed about 10 times as an Emperor. He first tried to be a veterinarian, but ended up using his lightsaber over the actual tools. Then he tried a job as a councilor, but told a young man to kill his family with all his hated. Finally, he got a job in the airplane business, but ended up making the biggest plane crash in US history. He was kicked out of the building. But before leaving, he made it clear that they were an enemy of the Republic. Soon the employer told him to get the hell out of there. No one has seen the former Emperor since. Eyewitnesses claim he overdosed on some unknown medicines, thus, the end of Bubba Jay Palpatine.

Personality, Traits, and Legacy
In his time, Darth Ebenezer Dogface Huphrey Meringue Palpatine was the evilest, smartest, and most bad-assed pedophile Sith Lord/Old dude around since Darth Darth Binks. He totally owned all with his "Death Star" that "could never be destroyed".

Palpy was greatly known for the amount of names attributed to his body parts (see Palpatine's mole, Palpatine's scabs, Palpatine's penis, Palpatine's asshairs, and lastly Palpo the Clown.)

He is also widely known as the one who drew Darth Stick Man.

Palpatine's "Frank" personality was generally benevolent, while his "Darth Sidious" personality was completely evil. Eventually they merged to form "Sid E. Palpatine," who was defeated by Luke Skywalker during the Battle of Endor. That's when Phineas Q. Palpatine arrived on the scene, but was subsequently defeated by Luke Skywalker too.

Behind the Scenes
One thing that annoys everyone about Palpy was that he came back like 50 times in clone bodies after the battle of Endor, which is kinda gay 'cause it defeats the purpose of all six Star Wars movies. Six movies all about destroying the most powerful Sith ever, and he comes back to harass everyone again with his ugliness? Give me a freakin' break! It's totally obvious that some Palpatine fanboy (one of far too many) wanted Palpatine do more than sit and watch Jedi and Sith fight.

Another thing no one knows about him is that he and Davros had a son who thought Davros was a better dad than Palpatine. Palpatine was so pissed he used Force lightning on the TIE fighter Davros Junior was on. It caused him to go blind, so he need a third eye. It blew off his hand so he needed a metal one. And it also blew off the rest of his body except for his arms, half of his upper body, and his head, so he needed a Dalek Bottom just like his father. Unfortunately, the Force lightning disfigured him and made him look more like Palpatine. After his father Davros died in the Time Wars Davros Junior took on his name (don't believe that liar Dalek Caan about rescuing Davros Senior). And every night, Palpatine wears Spongebob Funny Pajamas!

Fun Facts!

 * He was actually born at the age of 94 in the Darth Funland Cafeteria in 2003.
 * His first word was in fact "Ahahahahaha!".
 * He enjoys the company of small children and their pets.
 * He holds the world record for "Longest list regarding hideous, perverted things ever hidden from the media". The Hoobs are struggling to retrieve their title.
 * He has the unique ability to vibrate his voicebox and speak at the same time.
 * Whenever he lifts his hand, his hand moves.
 * He is a very successful musician and plays every fucking instrument ever.
 * He enjoys the company of hideously scarred, traitorous, murderous, masked villains.
 * A single glance from his eyes can cause someone to be looked at.
 * His alter ego is the MilkyBar Kid.
 * He is married to the infamous Darth Piggy.
 * He is very good at making barbeque.
 * He will Destroy your Muun.
 * He has the ability to be kickass for 5 films, then get chucked off a bridge. Lame.
 * He manages to pass himself off as Chancellor via an ingenious Groucho disguise.
 * He hates this article (partly due to the final bulletpoint which seems to be more brain numbing than Force lightning).
 * He hates you.
 * He stole your wallet.
 * "Ahahahaha!"
 * He invented the original four flavors of Sour Patch Kids.
 * I hate you too.