Zam Wesell

"I'm a goddess (I'm a man) I'm a virgin (I'm a man) I'm a blue movie (I'm a man) I'm a bitch (I'm a man) I'm a geisha (I'm a man) I'm a little girl..."

- Jango Fett and Zam Wesell, singing a Berlin song at a karaoke bar

Zam Wesell was a shapeshifting female Clawdite bounty hunter who used her ability to assume any physical form she pleased to accomplish her goals... except in Attack of the Clones, when she completely forgot she could shapeshift and stayed stuck in the same form throughout an entire three-hour speeder chase.

Early career
Driven from her homeworld for being a filthy lying heretic sinner, Zam sought profit as a bodyguard, bounty hunter, and established her most common physical form as a petite, kinda-sorta-hot human female. Zam was able to make herself look like an attractive woman, but never really got the hang of acting like one. She had no grace, she picked her nose, she told dirty jokes, she scratched her ass in public, she ate chili dogs without a napkin, and she never asked for directions.

Zam first encountered the love of her life, Jango Fett, while tracking down a bounty for Sebolto the Dug. Both bounty hunters were working independently to capture a smuggler named Bendix Fust. Zam caught him first, but Jango followed them, and they spent a few hours chasing and shooting each other, then had a cool John Woo-style holding-each-other-at-gunpoint moment before deciding to team up. Together, they escaped in a stolen ship that turned out to be the Slave I.

Stalking Jango Fett
"Hey, Jango! Look! I'm Jessica Alba!" "Our relationship is strictly business, Zam." "I'm Lynda Carter now. Check it out." "Strictly business." "Phoebe Cates?" "Business." "Salma Hayek? Rita Hayworth? Aayla Secura? Grace Kelly? You're not one of those simpering Angelina Jolie fans, are you?" "Zam..." "I can be Boy George if you like." "No!"

- Jango Fett and Zam Wesell

Zam was immediately smitten with Jango, who never paid her the slightest attention. Their partnership was strictly business for years as they fought Montross, Jango's archnemesis, Gardulla the Hutt, and the Dark Jedi Komari Vosa. Zam was mortally wounded in a fight with Vosa, but Jango carried her back to the ship, making her swoon over him even more. Jango still paid her no attention.

Zam spent the next few years stalking Jango and "coincidentally" taking on the same bounties he was pursuing, just to get his attention. She also had a special pouch where she kept locks of Jango's hair, bits of Jango's earwax, and weird stuff. In the course of her employment as a bounty hunter and her perpetual stalking of Jango, Zam Wesell took on the identities of virtually every sentient being in the known universe. She was the ugly woman who told Anakin Skywalker there was a storm coming. She was one of the Gungans in the Battle of the Grassy Plains. She briefly posed as the living planet Zonama Sekot. She was Aurra Sing, Oppo Rancisis, Mawhonic, Mermeia the Holographic Wow, Daultay Dofine, I-5YQ, and at least five of Padmé Amidala's handmaiden lookalikes. She was a rancor on Malastare, a tauntaun on Hoth... in fact, she's the chair you're sitting on.

All throughout her career, she never managed to make Jango Fett notice her obvious infatuation with him. She revealed her shapeshifting abilities to him and promised she could be anyone he wanted... Twi'lek dancing girl, feisty teenage Togruta brat, whiny-voiced emo human boy, anything. She begged, she pleaded, but nothing doing... until one day she shapeshifted into Taun We, and Jango grabbed her for a night of rough, passionate relations... and long story short, Zam had a lovely daughter named "Sone," but Zam and Jango never discussed what happened that night ever again.

The bitter end
"I tried blowing up her ship, but they used a decoy." "Did you try using a disguise, Zam?" "Then I tried shooting her from across the street." "What about a disguise?" "Then I tried the old poisonous snake hanging from the bellpull trick..." "What about using a disguise, Zam? You're a shapeshifter!" "Next I'm gonna try putting glass shards in her cereal." "Goddammit, Zam."

- Jango Fett and Zam Wesell

Zam and Jango were hired jointly to assassinate Padmé Amidala for good, but Zam kept screwing it up. She blew up Padmé's ship on Coruscant, but just killed yet another decoy. For some reason, the thought of maybe disguising herself as a handmaiden and then shooting her at point-blank range failed to occur to her. Then Jango came up with a roundabout idea of sneaking killer potato bugs into Padmé's bedroom... Zam tried that, but failed again and got chased by Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi in a ridiculously long airspeeder chase through the sky-lanes of Coruscant.

Eventually, her speeder was shot down, and she ran into a crowded bar called the Outlander Club. Surrounded by unfamiliar faces, Zam naturally... forgot she could shapeshift and instead stayed in the same form she'd been using all throughout the chase, making it all too easy for the Jedi to find her, capture her, and start interrogating her. Before she could spill the beans on the whole plot, Jango shot her with a saberdart (he could have used a blaster, but instead, he spent several minutes going through his equipment to find something that could give the Jedi a clue). Zam died cursing his name, but hey, those two were still a nice little couple. And they'll always have that wonderful night of interspecies boinking to remember each other by.

Other stuff

 * Zam's natural form was considered just as ugly among Clawdites as it was among humans and other humanoid species.
 * Zam's airspeeder engine was tuned by Jimi Hendrix.

Appearances

 * Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
 * Star Wars: Zam Wesell
 * Everything else (in disguise)