Shaak Ti

"As beautiful as a flower, yet as deadly as a viper... and dynamite in the sack, but that's strictly off the record."

- Mace Windu

Shaak Ti was a kind, benevolent Togruta Jedi from&mdash;wait, wait, wait, come back, come back. No, no, not that one. Look at the picture again. Yes, Shaak Ti was the good one. She was a lightsaber combat expert, an accomplished Jedi general, and she had a face like a stylized portrait of a Hindu goddess... probably because "Shakti" is the divine feminine creative power in Hinduism, or maybe because the makeup department just had a lot of red foundation it wanted to use up.

Fighting in the Clone Wars
Shaak Ti was a constant presence in the Clone Wars, immediately recognizable with her distinctive Togruta lekku and montrals and her voluminous robe, always showing tantalizing bits of red-skinned cleavage. She fought on Kamino. She fought in the Battle of Geonosis and survived. Actually, all the Jedi who didn't suck survived... it was kinda like weeding out the knuckleheads. During the Battle of Hypori, she fought General Grievous and got PWNed, along with Ki-Adi-Mundi, Aayla Secura, K'Kruhk, and some other nobodies and Scooby Doo cartoons. Shaak Ti was left in a pool of her own blood... she was an unfortunate witness to the last time General Grievous actually kicked ass. From that point on, he became a pussy who never won anything.

During the Battle of Coruscant, Shaak Ti commanded a squad of clone troopers, defending against the massive droid assault of the Confederacy of Independent Systems. She valiantly defended Supreme Chancellor Palpatine... who was behind the whole thing anyway, but it was valiant nonetheless. Especially the part where she fought off dozens of those cool MagnaGuards in a train station, in a scene totally not stolen from The Matrix. General Grievous, still in bad-ass mode, arrived on the scene, killed a bunch of Jedi, including Roron Corobb and Foul Moudama, and snagged Palpatine as part of his evil plan, but Shaak Ti chased him down in a desperate attempt to stop him. Unfortunately, by the time she reached Grievous, her health bar was pretty low and her Force points had been used up fighting droids, so she got PWNed again. He tied her up in electrified wire, spanked her, took her lightsaber, and left her humiliated.

Now she's dead
When Anakin Skywalker and Obi-Wan Kenobi met Grievous, he revealed that he had in fact captured Shaak Ti. Then he cackled and murdered her by driving a lightsaber through her heart. Muahahahahaha! That'll show you how evil he... wait, no, that never happened. Sorry. Shaak Ti was left back on Coruscant as a warning to the other Jedi.

Nevermind, she's alive, no, she's dead
But during Order 66, when Palpatine ordered that all Jedi were to be eliminated, Shaak Ti's first thought was, "Oh, crap, what a dumb idea it was to try and save him." She decided to settle down and meditate on what an idiot she was... then Anakin Skywalker sneaked up behind her and stabbed her in the back with his lightsaber! Muahahahahaha! That'll show you how evil he was, because Anakin had become Darth Vader, and he was... wait, no, that never happened either. Sorry, sorry. But, wait, that was totally canon! It happened in the LEGO Star Wars game. They even made the Shaak Ti action figure with a big hole in her chest!

Sorry, false alarm, she's all right, she's okay
Okay, my bad. She survived the Great Jedi Purge somehow. She fought Anakin in the Jedi Temple, lost, and ran off by herself. Jeez. PWNed again. But at least her survival made Anakin look like an idiot when he reported to Palpatine. "Are they all dead?" "Um, there was this one that got away... she watched me kill a bunch of kids and saw my evil yellow eyes and my red lightsaber, and, well, I think she might turn state's evidence, but aside from that, mission accomplished."

Anyway, Shaak Ti ran off to Felucia, where she suddenly decided to stop wearing her Jedi robes and start wearing very skimpy outfits, like leather bikinis and rags. She got hotter and hotter and nakeder and nakeder as she aged, and she even got a hot, submissive Zabrak Padawan, Maris Brood. To hear more about Shaak Ti and Maris Brood's adventures together on Felucia, consult the voluminous collection of fanfic on the subject.

But then Darth Secret the Secret Apprentice ruined everything. He had orders from Darth Vader to kill Shaak Ti... or else! Darth Secret was like, "Wait, isn't she dead already?" "Look, will you shut up and kill her already?" So Shaak Ti and Darth Secret had a huge QuickTime Event lightsaber fight. Many X, A, and B buttons were pressed, and the fight ended atop a giant Sarlacc. PWNed once again, Shaak Ti fell into the Sarlacc and died. I think.

I mean, we've been wrong about this before. Hey, Shaak Ti, are you alive in there? Hello?

Yeah, pretty sure she's dead this time.

Why couldn't it have been Ahsoka instead?!