Jake Groundhopper

Jake Groundhopper was the inarticulate son of Bananaskin Groundhopper, the backup Chosen One of the Force. Throughout his life he was discriminated against because he was Twi'lek, not Human. In fact, Jake could have destroyed the Death Star and saved The Galaxy himself, but noooo, he was Twi'lek, not Human, and Galactic heroes have to be Human. I ask you, is that fair?! That's racism, that is! Ah, anyway, social justice rant aside, it was because of this discrimination that Jake turned to the Dark Side. Another influence towards this path was that his poetic soul was ignored because he was Twi'lek, and everyone knows that Twi'leks are only good for thugs or, if female, swine-flambe dancers.

Huh... "dancers"... That's sexism. Racism and sexism. Twi'leks were victims of oppression and slavery too, you know. Everyone knows about the Galactic Empire enslaving Wookiees and Mon Calamari, but what about all the Twi'leks? The Rebel Alliance brought back freedom and justice? Bah! I bet you didn't even know that Twi'leks used to be a great civilization! You didn't, did you? See! It's a conspiracy!

Uh... Okay, getting back to Jake Groundhopper...

Under the informal tutelage of Emperor Palpatine&mdash;who refused to take him as a formal apprentice because he was Twi'lek, not Human, I might add&mdash;Jake developed stealth and combat skills superior even to Mara Jade. But because he was Twi'lek, not Human, he never became an Emperor's Hand. Instead, he was made the Emperor's Lekku; which, except for the Emperor's Toe, was the lowest rank granted to Palpatine's agents. However, despite such bigotted treatment, Jake overcame all. And that just goes to show what determination in the face of oppression can achieve.

Unfortunately, such success by a Twi'lek, not a Human, made him enemies. One of these was Darth Vader. Another was Mara Jade. And the others were all the members of the whole Imperial Government. Jake was exiled to the Unknown Regions at the same time as Grand Admiral Lord High Toadstool Thrawn. Unlike Thrawn, however, Jake was not given a Star Destroyer: Palpatine assigned him only a Class-IV escape pod because he was Twi'lek, not Human. Overcoming this too, Jake mapped and annexed five hundred sectors for the Empire. But because he was Twi'lek, not Human, no one believed him.

Angry, indignant, and outraged at the injustice of Galactic society, Jake went home and died, after which he retired and took up golf until he died again, this time of Lukavian Flu. He could have been saved if given simple medical treatment, but his doctor refused because Jake was Twi'lek, not Human.

Childhood of an Oppressed, Discriminated-Against Individual
"Whoa... that's a killer meatball..."

- Jake Groundhopper

Jake Groundhopper was born on Ryloth, the date being, incidentally, his own birthday. His father, Bananaskin Groundhopper, was at that time a manual laborer&mdash;he could have been Lord of the Sith, the Chosen One of the Force, Hero of the Clone Wars, and Emperor Palpatine's right-hand humanoid, but he was Twi'lek, not Human. Also, his lekku would not fit inside the helmet. Jake, therefore, had an impoverished, deprived childhood with little to eat. Furthermore, when he was six years old, his favorite brother Boc was sold to a Hutt real-estate dealer as a chair.

When Jake turned nine he, like his sixteen brothers and sisters before him, had to leave home to seek his fortune. This proved just the beginning of the end of the beginning of the middle of the end of the beginning of his adolescent traumas. No sooner had he walked two blocks, then he was mugged by a paranoid Gammorean belly-dancer who, unsurprisingly, was out-of-work. She bound Jake to an R2 unit while she beat him senseless. This was because, as a paranoid, she thought Jake wanted to put an apple in her mouth and roast her for Life Day. However, once the mistake was realized, she apologized and took Jake's wallet instead. Finding it empty, she again bound him to an R2 unit while she beat him senseless.

The local police saw it all, but because he was Twi'lek, not Human, did not interfere. Of course, this made no sense because they too were Twi'leks. It just goes to show how widespread was discrimination against Twi'leks.

Eventually, Jake found work as a coal miner on Sleheyron. The hours were long and the job paid little; nevertheless, he made the best of it. Also, coal was a useless product, but no one had told the corporate officer. Still, as the months went by, things began to improve. Jake was given a three decicredit raise and was made team foreman. But it was too good to last...

Jake was regarded as "cute" by his female coworkers. In true adolescent feminine fashion they promptly sought to braid his hair. There was, however, one problem: being a Twi'lek, he had none. So they braided his lekku instead. It hurt. In desparation Jake killed them with a meatball he found in the cafeteria. Amazed at the ease with which his tormentors had fallen, he ate the meatball. It was quite tasty, actually, although it would have been better with a touch of garlic. Then he fled the planet.

Appearances

 * Star Wars: A New Hope - Social Justice Edition
 * Star Wars: Hair to the Empire
 * Star Wars: Dark Fork Rising
 * Star Wars: Last Complaint
 * Star Wars: Rogue Squadron: Pork-on-a-Stick
 * Yakov Bushido: Live in Berlin