Darth Secret

Darth Secret was an ultra-uber badass Sith, who was apparently trained as Darth Vader's secret apprentice. He has occasional cravings for Alaskan Burritos and another look at Aayla Secura. He fears only God and the Energizer Bunny, and he claims that he has some of God's powers, including the power to Destroy your planet just by thinking about it. Darth Secret has tried to practice this without much progress. He is an avid fan of the Boston Red Sox, whom he claims inspired his uber powerful lightsaber dubbed "Killer". Darth Secret "secretly" enjoys raisin muffins. {Darth Secret is also known as the secret Darth, Satan and He-who-has-not-been-named}.

Early life

Darth Secret {original name unknown} was born on Tatooine like everyone else. In fact he was born around ten years before Wormie came to Tatooine to live with his uncle Owen. When he was about 9 years old, Darth Secret was recruited for the imperial training camp on Eriadu. This was mostly due to bored Stormtroopers marveling at his accurate pot-shots at filthy jawas and crusty old hermits {cough}. When Darth Vader was sent to Tatooine to investigate, he saw that Darth Secret was force sensitive and instantly wanted to keep the boy for himself. For Vader to keep his little secret, he sent the boy to Eriadu to become a regular Stormtrooper. Darth Secret eventually became Darth Vader's apprentice, {insert name here}.

Ultra-Uber Badass Sith

Its no Secret that Darth Secret was an ultra-uber badass Sith. Although he apparently never did anything cool enough to be mentioned in the movies, or any of the random comic books, fan movies, other books, etc. It was once believed that he would eventually become as powerful as God himself, so he was once a candidate for God, before Kyle Katarns rise to awesomeness. Darth Secret was on a training mission with Vader, when they got in a fight for an unknown reason. Vader won the fight, and Darth Secret was so upset that he exiled himself to Endor. He lived with the Ewoks for a few years and eventually went on to better {and therefore eviler} things.

On fighting {with Darth Revan}

Darth Secret quickly {well actually not so quickly} realized that no mater how powerful you are, it is always hard to kill someone. Especially someone who is cool. During his self-exile on Endor, Darth Secret met Darth Revan. They became friends, but argued most of the time. Secret was a huge Ewok lover, as he was obsessed with creatures after living with them for a few years. Revan thought that Ewoks were smelly, and preferred Taun-tauns {also smelly. Being cool doesn't always come with a brain}. They got into an extra-cool and long lightsaber fight, and Darth Secret got so injured that he had to flee the planet. His fight with Revan made Darth Secret rethink his own ways, and so he went on a quest of coolness. Darth Secret wanted to make fanboys and fangirls drool. {Revan said that this fight never happened, to retain his coolness}.

Goody-goody years

The goody-goody years began when Darth secret had lunch with Wormie at a diner. Darth Secret confessed to Wormie his love of raisin muffins, hot oatmeal, and Alaskan Burritos. Darth Secret got all emotional and whiny according to Wormie {who is not to be trusted as he is also whiny} who sobbed and cried and sobbed upon hearing this from an evil Sith. Well anyway, Darth Secret went all soft and did things like take from the rich and give to the poor and all that jazz. Nothing important happened.

His obsession with God

Darth Secret was obsessed with becoming as powerful as God. From the time he was voted "most likely to become God" in Imperial school, Darth Secret has wanted to wield the almighty powers of awesomeness. He went to kill God and claim his title. But it was not to be. Darth Secret was furious of his defeat at the hands of God, so he went back to Endor and went on an Ewok killing spree. God was equally furious at this, so he banished Darth Secret to Hole in the time-space continuum. Darth Secret escaped the Hole, by asking the Hag to help him get out. Needless to say, she did help him. Darth Secret then stole a few pairs of God's pants, thus allowing him to carry rocket launchers with no discomfort. He used the pants as a secret weapon against God, resulting in a bloody, fricassee, gore-spewing battle. Darth Secret killed God and became the all-powerful master who wields the awesome powers of coolness. However, his reign as God of the universe was short lived. Unfortunately for Darth Secret; God is immortal, and when he came back from death he was also angry. God banished Darth Secret to the underworld. God realized he had made mistake, by ignoring the twice banishing rule {which states that anyone who is banished twice by the same person becomes as powerful as the person who banished them} he had made Darth Secret as powerful as himself. Since his banishment to the underworld, Darth Secret can be known only as Satan.

Escaping assassination

Darth Secret was nearly assassinated many times. He was quite likely, maybe, sort-of one of the only people to escape assassination from HK-47. Once when he was a little boy on Tatooine, Darth Secret was visited by the Energizer Bunny. The bunny said that he would soon die. This made sure that Darth Secret would fear Bunnies for the rest of his life. Five days after the Bunny incident, Combo-patty-machine {an evil assassin who ground his victims into burgers} came to kill Darth Secret. Darth Secret said no, and he got away. It is not known whether the "no" uttered by Darth Secret, was whiny or not.

The acts of evilness

During his first year in the underworld, Darth Secret established the Acts of Evilness. These acts are meant to prevent un-evil beings {in other words good beings} from entering the underworld. These acts involve killing Innocent Ewoks, viewing Yoda's penis and eating Alaskan Burritos. Many evil fools have died during these tests of badness.