Template:FA September 2009

Jean-Luc Picard, also known as Locutus of Borg, Baldy, Chrome Dome, Captain Hair, Colin Mochrie, Gay, Professor X, and "The British French guy", was the captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, as told by The Picard Song. Picard was born the daughter of Asajj Ventress and her blow-up husband Bea Arthur on Rattatak, the homeworld of the baldies. When she was just a little girl, Jean-Luc was kidnapped by the evil forces of Mandalore the G*nkist and subjected to marathons of The Facts of Life for hours a day. It was during this time the young girl became absolutely infatuated with Natalie, further maddening the Mandalore. While watching the marathons one day, Jean-Luc found herself surrounded by dozens of Jedi Knights in an attempt to stop the Mandalore's reign of terror. Picard giddily began screaming girlishly until one of the Jedi Knights found and took the young girl to the Jedi academy on Coruscant. There, Picard began her training in the ways of the Force as a Jedi padawan.

Tragedy struck the girl when she was brutally stabbed through the chest during a raid on the temple by Dookie. The person who stabbed Picard turned out to be none other than her mother, Asajj who had since allied herself with the Sith and Dookie. Stunned by what she was seeing, Jean-Luc was taken and trained by her mother, just as the Jedi Knight had done months before. She trained in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force for weeks until she finally transformed into the nicely evil Darth Five-Head. It was also during this time that she developed a romance with the corpse of Wookiee Goldberg, often telling the Wookiee her deepest secrets. As Darth Five-Head developed her own Sith empire, she found herself reverting back to her non-evil ways and was eventually kicked out of the Sith.

During a personal mission to destroy Sesamstraat, the Dutch Sesame Street sub-division, Darth Five-Head murdered all four members including founder Pino. As a result, Sesamstraat's supplier, Meneer Aart, sought his revenge on Five-Head and attempted to kill her, blowing the woman's ship up and launching her back into the Nexus.

It remains a mystery what ever happened to Jean-Luc Picard. Why she's on this wiki is beyond us. She'll be deleted before the night is over, but created again by some super geek.