Sophitia Alexandra

You have new erections.

"Are you an angel?" *stab* "I'm sorry..."

- Creepy encounter between and Sophitia

"I CAN HAS BOOBIES!?!?!?!?!?!?" *stab* "Naughty child."

- Creepier encounter between and Sophitia

The biological "daughter" of Darth Baker (actually a clone of Guri with some of Baker's DNA injected), Sophitia Alexandra was a Sith apprentice who worked at her family bakery under the name Darth Boobies! (later Darth MILF when Ivy took the similar title "Darth Boobies!!"). She was created as a wife for Darth Hades until she got bored of him and decided to leave him. Because she wasn't really evil, she tried to be a Jedi, failed, and instead became a Sith Mega-Super-Overlord. She lives in Athens and has blonde hair, green eyes and pale white skin.

After being tricked by Yoda that she had been sent to destroy Soul Edge (the Evil Sword of Doom!!!!!), Sophitia went and destroyed it, and destroyed it again, until finally her father, with the help of Darth Nightmare and Tira, convinced her to give up and just rejoin the Sith again. Besides, Tira wanted to use Sophitia's kids. She REALLY wanted to use them.

The media will tell you that Sophitia has always been married to a wussy blacksmith loser named Rothion. However, this is clearly a pointless lie that they made up; God willed Rothion out of existence because he sucked. She's actually married to Darth Vader. The media made this lie up just to reinforce their other lie that Vader is really Anakin Skywalker and that he went all emo after Padmé died and refused to ever be with another woman, only choosing to be with men instead.



Birth and early life (1566-1584)
"I said make her HOT! BURNING HOT! LIKE FIRE! Just like her husband, heh heh..."

- Darth Hades

One day, the Greek god and Sith Mega-Super-Overlord Darth Hades became jealous of the fact that his arch-enemy Sora had a pretty, sexy, adorable, fun, smart, redheaded girlfriend. Frustrated, he visited the Sith Academy of Culinary Arts, where he hired Darth Baker to make a wife for him. Baker had recently perfected his recipe for "sooper-schmurty-flurty-beeshy-boshy-cluuuuuune-a!", which allowed him to make bread-based human clones of droids and other machines using the mystic power of weaselpudge as well as some of his own DNA.

Using this technique, Guri was used to create Sophitia. This technique would later be repeated, this time using some of No Soup-a With-a Buffet's DNA as well, to create Sophitia's "sister" Cassandra, who isn't as sexy but is really adorable ^^

Sophitia grew up loving Lord Hades and being friends with his Greek buddies Kratos and Leonidas, and was trained by both Hades and Baker as a Sith apprentice. However, one day she met Hercules, the Great Dork, who told her that Hades was warping her mind and that there were better gods around. She ignored him. A few months later, Cloud Strife visited and told her the same thing. She then listened to him, because he was way more awesome. She tried to leave Hades, but he, Kratos and Leonidas, along with Leonidas' army of 300 SPARTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANS!!! attempted to block her way. Nevertheless, she left anyway, because they wouldn't dare kill a sexy bitch like her.

Sophitia then lived on her own, with Cassandra. She started worshipping Hephaestus, god of forges, because Cloud had told her unusually awesome stories about his daring feats (angering the real God). Meanwhile, she continued her Sith training on her own.

The quest begins (1584)


In 1584 AD, Yoda traveled to Sophitia's homeworld and, hoping to have her join the Jedi Order, disguised himself as Hephaestus and convinced the girl to destroy the Evil Sword of Doom!!!!! Soul Edge, wielded by the dread pirate Cervantes de Leon.

Teaming up with a Wormie impersonator, a lesbo ninja, Optimus Prime, Gandalf the White, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli and a whole bunch of Ewoks, she set out to destroy Soul Edge and return peace to the galaxy, having relations with every male fighter along the way. During the final battle with Cervantes, Sophitia got distracted by Optimus Prime's giant metal penis, giving just enough of a delay for Cervantes to gag, paralyze, rape and almost kill Sophitia, until the Ewoks all ganged up on Cervantes and returned the favor. Unfortunately, they also did it to Sophitia, putting her in a similar position. This left Taki, Siegfried, Prime, Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli to kill all the Ewoks (and Cervantes too) and save everyone. Taki then took Sophitia home. And slept with her too. Just like everyone else mentioned on this page.

Meanwhile, poor, poor Gandalf, who was left behind, noticed that the rest of his party forgot to destroy Soul Edge. What did he do? He picked up Soul Edge and ate it. With ketchup.

The quest continues (1587)
In 1587, Soul Edge came back to life and burst through Gandalf's body, causing him to explode.

Fusion and subsequent de-fusion (phew) with Gormaanda
At one point, Gormaanda managed to get a hold of a pair of fusion earrings. Wishing to make herself prettier, she tricked Sophitia into performing the fusion dance with her, and the two merged. The resulting fusion, Gormandophitia, had a terrible name that sounded like a disease and was the most atrocious creature in the galaxy (second only to that thing that keeps Darth Vader up at night). However, he/she/it was especially effective in attracting gay men such as Voldo and Darth Megatron. All three men/women/creatures/whatever had a foursome with Darth Darth Binks; the resulting mindfuck led to Gormandophitia's impregnation and caused him/her/it/whatever to give birth to two annoying droid Shitspawn children, Patroklos and Pyrrha, who later renamed themselves Mudflap and Skids and defected to the Autobots. At this point, Gormandophitia changed their Sith title to Darth MILF (short for Man, I Look Fucked).

God then offered Gormandophitia the chance to de-fuse into its two constituent beings if Sophitia promised to sleep with him and his son Heishiro Mitsurugi, the most badass samurai in the universe. Although the Sophitia part of the monster wanted to agree, finally finding a new faith, the Gormaanda part wanted to stay what seemed marginally better than her usual self but actually wasn't better pretty. Nevertheless, God de-fused them anyway and made Sophitia keep her promise, because he's God.

Marriage
"Oh, Vader, your helmet is so smooth..." "Indeed! Women are attracted to power and money, and I have both!" "No, your helmet just turns me on..."

- Conversation between Sophitia and Darth Vader

Relieved, Sophitia then got married to a blacksmith faggot loser named Rothion. However, despite what the media will tell you, Rothion was willed out of existence by God about a week into their marriage, because God wanted Sophitia to have an awesome husband like Darth Vader. Indeed, when Darth Vader visited Olympus Coliseum, he and Sophie fell in love and got married. They had two kids, Luuke and Leeia, who were basically evil versions of Luke Skywalker and Leia Organa.

People who Sophitia slept with happily

 * Darth Hades
 * Kratos
 * LEONIDAAAAAAAAAS!
 * Darth Vader
 * Darth Secret
 * Darth Revan
 * Cassandra Alexandra
 * Barriss Offee
 * Tira
 * Darth Frazzle
 * Taki
 * Ivy
 * Setsuka
 * Shaak Ti
 * Maris Brood
 * Jedi Exile
 * Guri FTW!
 * Leia Organa
 * God
 * Mitsurugi
 * Durge
 * Brianna
 * Mira
 * Visas Marr
 * Canderous Ordo
 * Boba Fett
 * Bastila Shan
 * Darth Nightmare
 * Aayla Secura
 * Darth Talon
 * (If you don't like Sophitia, too bad, you probably slept with her anyway)

People who Sophitia slept with unhappily

 * Darth Megatron
 * Darth Darth Binks
 * Starscream
 * Astaroth
 * Lizardman
 * Darth Cullen
 * Carth Onasi
 * Ahsoka Tano (not so bad since she was Cassandra's lesbian girlfriend)
 * Asajj Ventress
 * Cad Bane
 * Darth Fat Guy
 * Darth Malak
 * Rothion
 * Gormaanda (technically, while the two were merged)

People who refused to sleep with Sophitia

 * Voldo
 * Darth Cobra Commander
 * Darth Barney
 * Ziro the Hutt
 * Darth Elmo
 * Siegfried Schtauffen

People killed by Sophitia

 * Cervantes de Leon
 * Tira
 * Wookiee-Nookie Monster
 * DARTH ZORBEEZ!
 * Manbearpigkiller
 * Darth Dubya
 * Darth Frazzle

Behind the scenes
Sophitia was created when the Japanese video game company Bamco discretely scanned the brain of every young adult male on Earth in order to find out about their deepest sexual fantasies. All these fantasies were combined to create Sophitia, but first, all fantasies having to do with brunettes, redheads, women with wacky hair colors, fat women, anorexic women, overly muscular women, old women, little girls, women that weren't even human, women that weren't even women, inanimate objects and men were eliminated from the design process.

Appearances
Soulcalibur IV: Super Ultra Battle Duel Fight Legend of Soul Calibur Ultra Final Battle Duel Fight!! (one of the few non-gay characters)