Darth Voldemort

Darth Voldemort, also known as Lord Voldemort, My Lord, Master, The Dark Lord, Lord Montymort, Lord Moldyshorts, that creepy guy who likes stalking little kids, Lord Ugly Butt, Lord Moldybutt, The Real Senator Palpatine, The Real Chancellor Palpatine, and The Real Emperor Palpatine, was secretly named Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third. He was (unsurprisingly) the younger twin brother of Frank Palpatine.

Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third and his brother Frank were born on Nabooboo to Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the second and his wife Eleanor Lestrange. The brothers were taken away from their parents at an early age to a juvenile detention center. Kicked out of that, the two were sold to a crop farmer as slaves. Kicked out of that, Darth Plagueis found them and trained the twins in the ways of the Dark Side.

Over the years, Darth Voldemort tried to get an apprentice, failed, almost got killed, got elected Chancellor, found an apprentice, foiled a plot by that apprentice, got locked in a closet by that apprentice, found another apprentice, was completely forgotten by that apprentice, was remembered by that apprentice, trained the apprentice in the Dark Side, had a fistfight with his former apprentice, and then died at the hands of the apprentice he wanted, but couldn't get in the first place. For the main antagonist in Harry Potter, it was a pretty pathetic existence.

Birth
Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third and his brother Frank were born on Nabooboo sometime during 81 BBY. From almost the minute they were born, both brothers were in a perpetual competition to see who was the biggest prick in the galaxy, much to everyone else's expense. At the age of five, and Frank blew up the block where there parents lived. Glad for an excuse to be rid of the little toerags, Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the second and Eleanor gave them up to a juvenile detention center. The two spent about half an hour in the center before they blew up the facility, so the detention center owners decided to sell them into the farming industry.

Life in the Farming Industry
Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine....the third and Frank were sold into slavery to a farmer growing weed. Everyone hoped for the galaxy's sake slavery would finally get the two to just shut up, but that didn't happen. The owner had the bright idea of spiking everything they ate or drank with dope, so fortunately the brothers didn't blow anything up. But they did refuse to work. Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third purposely set fire to the owner's stash of weed, but the owner didn't dare do anything for fear of being punished. Finally the slaveowner decided to kick them off of his farm. I mean, kicked out of being slaves? That's pretty sad.......

Nonetheless, the twins were living alone on the streets of Theed until a Gungan Sith Lord named Darth Plagueis found them in the street nursing some weed plants they stole when they left the farm. Now Plagueis was hoping to get some seed money to buy the galaxy and become its Emperor, but as he was too lazy to move out of his mother's apartment and get a job, he obviously hadn't made much of an effort. However, the weed market was a gold mine these days as the Galactic Senate couldn't get enough of the stuff. Plagueis decided to take the boys in as apprentices if they would raise some weed plants for him in his basement. With the exciting new prospect of blowing up much bigger stuff Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third and Frank agreed.

Life Under Darth Plagueis
Life under Plagueis was exceedingly miserable loads of fun for Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third and Frank. While they worked hard growing weed in Plagueis's basement, they took out the trash bought groceries became Plagueis's personal shoppers mopped the floor painted the walls scrubbed the toilet weeded the yard mowed the lawn clipped the hedges cleaned the bathroom changed the sheets got rid of the termite infestation that was under Plagueis's bed did virtually nothing, so they had a lot of training time with Plagueis, who trained them most thoroughly in the ways of the Sith. Unlike their parents, the juvenille detention center owners, and the slave driver, Plagueis was not remotely intimidated by two little dipshits like them, and therefore gave severe whippings if they did even the slightest thing wrong, on chores and Force-training. Needless to say, Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine......the third and Frank were inclined to do everything Plagueis told them. The brothers often talked about killing Plagueis and going off on their own, but neither had the guts to do it. Plagueis was finally killed by accident at a party he himself threw.

The Prophecy
"The one to vanquish the Sith approaches.....the Chosen One will be born as the seventh month dies......also, can someone get me some more beer?"

- Jedi Master Albus Dumbledore making a prophecy that would change the course of history for thousands of years

Thanks to Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine......the third and his darling brother Frank, Plagueis soon became the richest person in the galaxy, making a gold mine off of the weed his apprentices raised. Just to show off his wealth, he threw a party, inviting the most important people on Nabooboo to attend. Unfortunately, this meant that some Jedi Master had to come too, so, true to form, Jedi Master Albus Dumbledore (Obi-Wan's father) also attended. Drunk and high on weed, Dumbledore related to a crowd (who were all slowly backing away) that there would be a Chosen One, found in a pickle jar by either Jedi or Sith, who would become more powerful than all the Sith **snicker** and would destroy them through his unlimited power **chortle**. Plagueis called Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third to forcibly remove this man, but he tripped, causing the person next to him to drop her glass, causing a person walking by to slip, bumping against another person who punched him into the broiler, causing it to explode, causing the beer machine to spill all of its contents, causing Frank to slip on the puddle of lager and send his lightsaber hurtling toward a snoring Plagueis's neck, which decapitated and killed him. Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine......the third and Frank then fled from the party to escape the charges of manslaughter set upon them.

The Chosen One
Now without a master, Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third officially became a Dark Lord of the Sith. Finding his birth name too long and irritating (imagine what sort of battlecry it would make), Thomas Andrew Curtis James Anderson Cooper Riddle Palpatine.....the third (I couldn't help saying it just one more time) changed his name to Darth Voldemort. Likewise, his brother Frank changed his name to Darth Frank, but as many people took this to mean he was selling hot dogs he changed his name to Darth Sidious.

Immediately after escaping from the authorities (which took about, five minutes) Darth Voldemort and Darth Sidious found themselves enemies in the race to find the Chosen One, who they deemed existed. Darth Voldemort set up an advanced network of female spies inside the Jedi Temple, tortured younglings and bribed Jedi Knights before reaching a conclusion. Palpatine, meanwhile, ordered Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace on Amazon.com before reaching the same conclusion: the Chosen One was a whiny brat by the name of Anakin Skywalker, son of Shmi Skywalker, a Jedi groupie who was sold as a slave by her annoyed boyfriend Jedi Knight Severus Snape, the boy's father, on Tatooine.

Voldemort and Palpatine both used the Yellow Pages to locate Shmi's bungalow. Darth Voldemort came to the bungalow to kill Shmi and steal Anakin when he found that the Sand People already came to call, taking Shmi with him. However, Anakin was still alive and well, concealed in a pickle jar Severus Snape gave Shmi, who regifted it as a present from his master Albus Dumbledore, who stole it from the late Darth Plagueis years ago. However, Darth Sidious came by a minute later, intent on doing the same thing. Annoyed, Voldemort stabbed Sidious with his lightsaber and left him for dead. Picking up Anakin in the pickle jar, he stashed the brat in the trunk of his car in order to muffle his whining (which it couldn't) and drove off at 230 mph, exceeding the speed limit's 45.

Losing Anakin
Unfortunately for Voldemort, his bladder gave out and he rushed to the men's room, leaving Anakin in the trunk of his car. Two blocks away out in the desert, a starship crashed bearing Albus Dumbledore, his son Obi-Wan, and Queen Padmé Amidala. They were supposed to head straight for Coruscant, but had to stop as due to Albus's weak bladder. Actually, Obi-Wan slipped a laxative into Albus's beer to make them stop to introduce himself to Padmé in a more private area.

While Albus and Voldemort are in the restroom Padmé and Anakin are waiting outside. Trying to ignore Obi-Wan's advances, Padmé moved into the parking lot with Obi-Wan in pursuit. Padmé was surprised to hear Anakin crying (he was whiny even then) in the trunk of Voldemort's car. After waiting the forty minutes until Albus got out of the restroom, she notified him. Albus used the Force to open the trunk and saw little Anakin whining in the pickle jar. Taking heed of the prophecy he made at Plagueis's party (the part about the Chosen One, not the beer part), Dumbledore decided that this little brat was the chosen one. Therefore, they had to take Anakin with them. After declaring that he accomplished what he came there for, Albus took the group back into the starship and soared off with Anakin into the stars.

When Voldemort found his trunk open and Anakin missing, he was furious. He scoured the premises for five days before finally coming to the conclusion that Albus Dumbledore took his would-be apprentice (completely ignoring the fact Albus had spray-painted ALBUS DUMBLEDORE WUZ HERE all over his car). By the time he identified the culprit, the first movie was already over and he was still without an apprentice.

However, one thing worked in Voldemort's favor. After Padmé removed Chancellor Finis Valorum on charges of bed-wetting the Galactic Senate decided to elect Voldemort as Chancellor, not because they thought he was any good at politics, but because they thought that he would give them discounts on his weed if they did.

Palpatine's Deception
After getting elected Chancellor, Darth Voldemort still had to find an apprentice. He searched for ten minutes years before an apprentice came to him. This apprentice Dooku, was an old gasbag, but he was an old rich gasbag, and therefore was what Darth Voldemort wanted until he could finally get Anakin. In the meanwhile, Voldemort felt like becoming Galactic Emperor, so he had his apprentice Dooku try to start a war. However, Voldemort was too wrapped up in getting POWAH!!!!!! UNLIMITED POWAAAAH!!!!!! to notice that Dooku was actually his brother Frank in disguise, hoping to get back at Voldemort for almost killing him. This mistake would prove his undoing in the end.

A Plot Foiled
"No master, I was just hoping to, uh, take Anakin for eyelash removal torture, I wasn't helping him escape....."

- Darth Voldemort foiling Darth Tyrannus's (who is really Darth Sidious, you idiot!) plot to turn Anakin to the Dark Side

One day Voldemort gets a call from Dooku (who is really Sidious) that he captured Obi-Wan, Padmé, and Anakin on Geonosis, who were smoking deathsticks on the streets, which was illegal there. Wanting to get back at Albus for stealing Anakin, Voldemort sentenced his son Obi-Wan to death by Tickle torture, Padmé to death by Force relations, and Anakin was to die by the Force Ping. What Voldemort planned to do was kill the original Anakin, but not before taking some DNA samples, which he planned to give to Tyrannus (who really is Sidious, you moron!) and use that as a clone template instead of Jango Fett.

Unfortunately for Voldemort, Dooku (HE'S FREAKING SIDIOUS!!!) wanted Anakin for himself, so he planned to fake Anakin's death, but secretly train him as an apprentice. He only failed when Voldemort's trusted follower Bellatrix Lestrange (his cousin on his mother's side) tipped him off, which resulted in Lord Voldemort giving Tyrannus (HOW CAN YOU NOT RECOGNIZE YOUR OWN BROTHER FOR 13 YEARS, DUDE????) a good, sharp shock. In order to foil his apprentice's plot however, he had to let the three escape, and his revenge on Dumbledore was yet unfulfilled.

Usurped!
"Oh no, it's going to be fine, I'm just trying to make it look convincing....."

- Palpatine before locking his brother in a closet for 20 years

Darth Voldemort did not appear in Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith at all because that guy who played him was actually his brother, Darth Sidious. When Voldemort faked his own kidnapping with Dooku (WHO IS NOT DOOKU, YOU 'TARD, HE'S SIDIOUS!), Dooku bound his hands, wrists and other parts together. Then he threw Voldemort in a closet, promising to come back for him later. Instead, Dooku assumed Voldy's role as Chancellor Palpatine, binding himself to a chair. That Dooku Anakin killed? A phony replica droid to ensure Anakin's fall to the Dark Side. SoDarth Sidious got rid of his brother, became Emperor, and got his dream apprentice, and Darth Voldemort got locked in a closet for 20 years, living off his own toenails and spit.

Life is so unfair sometimes, isn't it?

A New Apprentice
After 20 years, just before the beginning of Star Wars Episode IV: A New Hope, Voldemort escaped when a pair of teenagers decided to play Seven Minutes in Heaven with in his closet. After killing the two and smoking their weed, Darth Voldemort traveled to the local library to find out what happened to Anakin and Dooku (I'm not even going to comment.....).

It turns out that Anakin had joined the Sith, became Darth Vader, had two daughters (well, the first daughter's gender was debatable), and joined the Galactic Empire, run by no less than his own brother, Darth Sidious (I'm sorry if I spoiled that for you), who was actually his old apprentice, Dooku, in disguise (it took you 33 years man, your brother isn't that good of an actor....)

Now that Anakin was a kabob in a life-sustaining suit, Darth Voldemort decided that, instead of recruiting Anakin, he would train Anakin's son, (who, though no one knew it, was not his son at all, it was his) Wormie. Voldemort was just setting out to corrupt Luke when his FaceBook page gets an update: he was befriended by Luke, who was friending everyone on FaceBook because he had no friends in real life. Darth Voldemort hatched a cunning plan, friending Luke on FaceBook and telling him to go to Dagobah to get 50 free cookies. Luke really wanted to go, but his uncle wanted them to go look at droids, and, well you can imagine what happened to him after that......

In all the excitement of joining the Jedi, rescuing a princess, destroying the Death Star, and getting a shitty medal worth thirty bucks, Luke forgot all about his FaceBook friend and their agreement. Finally, after almost freezing to death on Hoth, Obi-Wan came back to him and told him to go to Dagobah. Luke remembered that there were fifty cookies on Dagobah for him, so he went.

Training Wormie
Luke arrived on Dagobah like Obi-Wan told him to, wondering where his free cookies were. Voldemort offered him a chance to go to his bachelor pad (complete with jacuzzi, plasma screen, and a foosball table) and learn the Dark Side, along with getting those fifty cookies. Then Yoda appeared, offering Luke a chance to redeem his father, destroy the empire, spread joy, and maybe give the Skywalker Epoch a member that they don't have to disown. Needless to say, Luke took Lord Voldemort's offer, because everyone knows Luke couldn't resist sweets. After helping Voldemort hook Yoda onto a coat hook so he couldn't escape, Luke's training began.

Lord Voldemort wanted one thing above all for his apprentice to do: kill his brother Darth Sidious, and Vader too, and then help him take over the Empire. Luke wanted to do this immediately in hopes of more free cookies, so after he heard his girlfriend (who was actually his sister, gross) and his best friend Han Solo got captured by the evil Darth Vader, he sets out to rescue them and kill Vader. However, all he does is get his hand cut off and get told a bunch of crap about Vader being his father (which is not true, because this guy is his father). Voldemort makes him try again on the second Death Star, but now that Palpatine was with Vader, Darth Voldemort decided to come with Luke to make sure he wouldn't fail.

Betrayal and Death
Luke surrenders to Darth Vader with Voldemort close behind, who had cast a mind trick to make himself seem invisible to everyone except Luke. Vader leads the two up to Palpatine's office, where the Emperor is eating pizza. Oblivious to Voldemort (well, I guess the joke is on him now), he tries to sway Luke to the Sith, but he can't because Luke is already a Sith although probably worse than his father at being one. So then Palpatine gets angry and orders Vader to have a lightsaber duel with Luke, which Voldemort watches. Then, suddenly, Luke and Vader stop fighting point their lightsabers at Sidious and Voldemort. They were in it together since Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back: Vader and Luke planned to kill the two brothers and take rule the galaxy as father and daughter son. Voldemort gives Vader a taste of his own medicine, knocking him out, while Sidious shocks Luke. Voldemort tackled his brother, wanting to kill Luke for his betrayal, and the two have a fistfight.

The fistfight was abruptly ended when Vader came back into consciousness. "It seems the Death Star does not come with idiot repellant...."

- Vader

Angry that the two brothers tried killing him (no one messes with Darth Vader, fool!), Vader took the brothers by their throats and chucked them off a bridge, dying minutes later himself from the inordinate amount of clichés that one scene contained. Voldemort was dead, and Harry Potter Anakin Skywalker killed him. Annie? I mean, who gets killed by freaking Annie......

Upset over the juicy novel Stephenie Meyer produced about Darth Cullen called Twilight, biographer JK Rowling sought a story so popular.....so devastatingly interesting it would shock fanboys for millennia to come. Finally she came across Albus Dumbledore, who in his later life was kicked out of the Jedi Order and became a janitor on both Death Stars, at a Mos Eisley cantina (so typical....). Being very drunk and having always been plagued with TMI disease, he told her his life story. She decided that it could make an okay book, so she took some of the main plot points and wrote. Even though she cast Voldemort as an evil villain (albeit a kickass one), she secretly felt sorry for him because all that Voldemort had ever done failed. However, everyone else in the galaxy was too busy staring at the very hot and alive Darths Cullen and Hale, so no one really cared about the dead Voldemort. A pathetic end to a pathetic life.