Droids did many things

"Droids, to do the dishes
Droids, to clean up my room
Droids, to do the laundry
Droids, and in the bathroom
Droids, that's all I really want is droids
―The Beastie Boys

A droid was a mechanical being capable of locomotion, manipulation of its environment, and independent thought within the limits of its programming, or as the advertising department Cybot Galactica defined it, "Your helpful metal pal who's fun to be with."


Droids were used by almost everyone in the galaxy to do stuff like cleaning, repairing stuff, relations, killing people, killing hippies, murdering innocent people, guarding stuff, translating what other weird aliens were saying, poking computers with computer-poking things, piloting starships, piloting speeders, driving cars, feeding people's children, making sure people's children didn't accidentally kill themselves because the parents were too busy to even care about the kids, spying on people, going shopping, cooking, lifting heavy stuff, keeping people's wives happy, destroying planets, making other droids, destroying other droids, fighting wars, and lots of other ridiculous stuff. So yeah, you could say droids did pretty much everything that real living people were too lazy for. Which meant that droids actually did everything. In fact, if they had just revolted and killed everyone, they would be the ones who ruled the galaxy, not the Sith, Jedi and the other groups of lazy weird people.



Droids hard at work

Droid designers categorized droids into five "degrees" depending on their general functions and required abilities.

First-degree droids: First-degree droids, or smarty-pants droids, were scientists, theoreticians, experts, engineers and Jeopardy contestants. These droids were known to listen to NPR and make snarky comments to organics about the nonexistence of God. Example: G0-T0.

Second-degree droids: Second-degree droids, or chirpy astromechs, were tin cans filled with millions of multipurpose tools. They were almost as smart as smarty-pants droids, but their knowledge was more practical and hands-on, and because they tended to communicate in beeps and boops, they didn't seem quite as arrogant. Example: R2-D2.

Third-degree droids: Third-degree droids, or pussy droids, were dedicated to social interaction, protocol, and mincing. Example: C-3PO.

Fourth-degree droids: Fourth-degree droids, or punchy kicky shooty killy droids, were devoted to killing people and breaking things. Example: B1 battle droid. (Although in the specific case of B1 battle droids, they were devoted to dying by the millions.)

Fifth-degree droids: Fifth-degree droids were cheap labor. See Category:Mexicans. Example: Bollux.


Certain droid functions became specialized, for example:
Medical droids: Devoted to treating disease, making people wait for hours in emergency rooms, and sticking cold objects into organic beings' orifices. Interesting note: medical droids actually made universal health care possible.

Assassin droids: Battle droids for one-on-one fights where the person isn't expecting it.

Interrogation droids: Masters of inflicting pain and asking repetitive questions for hours and days at a time. Easily confused with Canadian medical droids.

Relations droids: Warm, squishy droids capable of spectacular sexual feats beyond the abilities of mere organics. In the case of Guri, the functionality was combined with that of an assassin droid.

This article is called Droid. Droid has been written from a simple, Ric Olié point of view. A non-simple version of Droid can be read on Darthipedia. Darthipedia is the Star Wars Humor Wiki.