- "But I was going to Tosche station to pick up some power converters! Whaaa!"
- ―Luke having a hissy fit.
Wormie, born Luke Skywalker, was a whiny native of Tatooine who somehow managed to bed Mara Jade after an unsuccessful attempt at an incestuous relationship with Leia. Obi-Wan Kenobi was his
gay caring master. He was named after Saint Luke from the Bible. He had many adventures until he got bored and went to live on an island, where he died.
For a whiny hippie from the corner of the galaxy, Wormie made it pretty far in life. He led a guerrilla fighting force of hippies in an assault on Tosche Station, Mos Eisley, Anchorhead, and other space ports booming with power converter conventions. They stole the power converters and tried to capture a group of Jawas, but Wedgie Antilles, who had just realized he had awesome force powers, gave Luke and his hippie friends a Force Wedgie, sending them all hopping off in pain.
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away, Annie and Padmé Amidala did it on Nabooboo. Then a while later Annie got drunk and tried to kill Padmé. He thought he did... well he did. But before she died, Wormie and his sister was born.
That old guy then fell out of the ship while holding Wormie. The duo fell onto that desert place, which suited Obi-Wan well because there was lots of Jawa juice. He dumped Wormie with his aunt and uncle and went binge drinking. Next morning he had such a bad hangover that he forgot his name, so he thought he was Ben. And that's how Wormie and his sister were separated.
After nineteen years of doing nothing much, Obi-Wan remembered his name. When Leia heard about him, she sent a tin can and a whiny robot with a message asking him to join the Rebellion. But the two droids ended up with Wormie somehow. Wormie was faced with his first decision. He decided to go to sleep and see if it disappeared in the morning. It did. But Wormie knew that his uncle would be mad at him, so he took the other droid in the family landspeeder and set off to find it.
After being ambushed by robe wearing dudes, Wormie was saved by Obi-Wan who scared the Sand People away with an enormous belch. Obi-Wan took Wormie to his shelter in the Dune Sea, where he talked to him about such things like the Force and the price of Jawa juice in various Tatooine cities. When Wormie learned that his uncle and aunt were brutally murdered by Stormtroopers, he decided to go to Alderaan with Obi-Wan in search of cheaper Jawa juice (also the drinking age on Tatooine is 50, as opposed to Alderaan's 10).
That old guy and Han Solo flew into the Death Star by accident. They were probably drunk. James Vader was busy cleaning Frank's toilet, so he couldn't catch them when they landed. Wormy started to cry waterfalls. Then Ben smacked him to shut the bitch up.
James recognized the smell of Ben's BO, and he tracked his old master down, commenting that Your powers are weak, old man!. But Ben shrugged off boomerangs that the Sith Lord Vader chucked at him (as well as some Nunchucks and regular Nuns) and then they fought. Ben decided he needed a piss in the Afterlife, so he hastily popped out for a bit. Wormy wailed, causing Vader to say "What in God's name is that?" upon seeing Luke. The Devil appeared and bragged "Soon your daddy will be mine! Mine!" He was speaking to Luke, indicating Vader was his daddy, but Luke was busting through the starship doors to get lost in space so therefore he didn't hear him.
Blowing up his dad's office, part 1Edit
Ben was no more so Luke joined the almighty God (aka Rebel Alliance). Luke had to undergo severe physical training, such as, not killing, not dishonouring thy father or mother, (a tricky one considering his dad's identity) not eating pork on Sundays, (or any other day of the week) not worshipping false gods, (but the Force) not stealing, (unless it was plans for the Death Star) not using the name of the Force in vain, (unless it was Damn you Force why'd you take Mace Windu!) not committing adultery, (unless it was with his sister Leia) not lying, (unless it was to the Empire on why they were after your stolen plans) not accusing innocent people of crimes, (unless of course Jango Fett blamed Obi for stealing his manhood during the night!!) and of course number one, no jealousy, (unless it was Palpatine being jealous of the Jedi).
Luke found these rules rather easy to follow (although he fell out on the no pork and no adultery one) and then he hopped into hyperspace and blew up his dad's office. You could see it all the way from Corcusant.
The Pants Shop Strikes BackEdit
Luke got drunk and wandered off into the snowstorms on Hoth at night during the heat of battle (he was probably drunk). Whilst there, Luke had a hallucination of Obi Wan's ghost telling him about a muppet. Anyway, the Jedi didn't believe him.
Luke said "You know what? So what! I don't want to hang about with a bunch of wannabe corporate sellouts! I'm going to form my own religion, and bang my sister, OK? And Yoda will come and put a footnote on your sorry asses reading 'Asshats!'" (kicks over guitar) "I feel sorry for you guys."
Then whilst a hot chick stole the plans for the Death Star, Luke hopped over to Dagobah where Yoda was musing on hash. He found him, he did.
There was quite a spoiler where Luke found Vader on a base where the Dark Lord told him he was his father and they could forge a business and rule the Galaxy as father and son. Luke said "Fuck this!" and
committed suicide jumped down the chute. Luke, Luke, the little brute, just went down the garbage chute.
Return of the WimpsEdit
Yoda and Luke
had sex trained, and then Luke became powah. He was told by Yoda that he could face and kill Vader... oh and Vader was, BTW, his father. "Yes, I already know that!" Luke exasperatedly said. "Then a whole waste of time, my whole life was," Yoda purposefully said, just to be an asshat, then died.
Obi Wan came and told Luke that Leia was his sister, he had every right not to bang her, and before a lustful Luke could punch Obi, the Force ghost said he had a hot babe calling him in the Afterlife, and he had to dash off.
The Force Awakens and The Last Jedi Edit
However, the god George Lucas sold Star Wars to the evil Disney, who wanted to make some cash so they made a new Star Wars trilogy about a heroine named Rey who some people believe is a maey Sue. Luke started a New Jedi Order after return of the Jedi until the son of leia and Han, Kylo Ren became a dark side user under the mighty Snoke. Kylo destroyed Luke's temple just like Disney Destroyed the EU. Luke then went into hiding on an island filled with porgs. Rey went to find him.
Rey found him on the island world of Ach-To. Luke was depressed and did not want to come back. Eventually he was persuaded by the ghost of Yoda and made a force clone of himself who fought Kylo. After the battle, Luke became one with da force.